I Lost My Virginity At An Opening Night Screening Of K-PAX

By Kevin Pack

These days you can’t go anywhere without someone telling you about how rough they’ve have it like it’s a badge of honor. It’s always my hair looks bad today this and my dad killed the rest of my family, ran from the police for 5 days and ultimately took his own life in my childhood bedroom that, and I’ve had enough of it. You think you know pain, but you don’t. Not like I do. How do I know? Because you’ll never experience what it’s like to have one of most memorable moments of your life in the middle of what was easily Kevin Spacey’s worst performance.

I’d been a big Kevin Spacey fan since The Usual Suspects, so naturally when I heard he had a new film coming out I was stoked. Kevin Spacey isn’t the type of actor, at least not back then, to say yes to a movie that was a stinker. If he was on the poster for Hurlyburly you could be damn sure it was going to be good and I was expecting no less from K-PAX. I was so sure the movie was going to be good that I invited a gal I liked in class, Elizabeth, out on a date with me to see the movie.

I figured that the movie would be so good that when we were talking about the film later the subject of how wonderful of an actor Kevin was would come up and I could use the opportunity to show off my extensive knowledge of the Space-ster off because, as any nineties kid would attest, chicks dig a guy that knows every minute detail about Kevin Spacey’s career. And let me tell you: I knew it all. I knew where he grew up (New Jersey), what his real last name is (Fowler) and how many times he’s had sex with Macy Grey (0). I was ready to blow her freakin’ mind with what I knew about the Space-man, but I unfortunately wasn’t awarded the opportunity.

The first clue should have been that even on opening night the theater was entirely empty except for us. I didn’t notice, though, as I was very excited that we had gotten the best seats in the house for what I was sure would be another exemplary performance. How very wrong I was.

Not ten minutes into the movie I could tell something was wrong. Was this the Kevin Spacey I had fallen in love with all those films ago? Surely it couldn’t be. His performance would give mediocre a bad name, though it’s not like he had much to work with even if he were to give it his all. The writing was terrible and even the direction made me wonder if they had to pay the man or woman when they turned the film in or if they simply called the police for what they had done to their film stock. Elizabeth said she wanted to go but I wanted to give it more of a chance. Maybe the whole thing was a hilarious joke and the real movie was going to start any minute now? I was a fool.

Fifteen minutes into the film she started to drift away from the screen and look at me. I didn’t know what she wanted so I smiled and turned back toward the movie. Somehow she took this as some sort of sign and not two minutes later she was on top of me with her sundress hiked up and about thirty seconds after that she was returning to her seat, her pubic hair wet and glistening, dark red in blood, sweat and what looked like marshmallow fluff but my older brother would later explain was semen. What made it past her pubis dribbling onto a discarded box ofWhopperslying on the floor between us as she moved from my seat to hers, without getting too graphic.

Now I know I just glazed over it, but those 30 seconds are etched in my mind deeper than anything that hadcome before or since. In the middle of it I particularly remember looking up at the movie screen and seeing a close-up of Kevin Spacey giving one of the limpest monologues I’d ever seen and trying to concentrate on maintaining an erection. I had to pretend I wasn’t witnessing a tragedy akin to the Holocaust while she was bouncing up and down on my devil stick and every single time I’ve ejaculated since I see Kevin Spacey’s giant face wearing those stupid fucking sunglasses. Yeah, I still cum, but it always leaves both Iand the audience unsatisfied. I will give K-PAX a little credit, though. It did help me last an entire 30 seconds. It’s a shame that my first time was also my longest, that sort of thing can really go to your head, but I got past it and am now perfectly happy ejaculating after 8 seconds as is my partner, I would imagine.

Things got even more awkward after we’d had sex. She clearly wanted to go but I wanted to give the movie one more chance. Eventually she said she was going to the bathroom and never came back. For the rest of High School she avoided me at school. Later I would find out that she thought I took her to K-PAX because I wanted to bore her so much she slept with me and get rid of her by refusing to leave the movie. I wish I were that smart. In reality I just couldn’t give up on Kev until I gave the entire movie a fair shake.

After the movie I went to the bathroom and saw that there was some flaky white stuff on my dick. Since it was the first time I’d ever had sex I assumed it was HIV and was surprised to find that I felt nothing. If Kevin Spacey could put his name and face on such a piss-poor movie and phone it in the world I once knew wasn’t even worth being alive for. Actually, phoning it in is too good a phrase for what he did. He texted it in. He AOL Messenger‘d it in. He wrote it with his goddamn dick in the snow is what he did.

I was downright offended and it was all I could talk about for months to anyone that would listen. Eventually kids at school put together that my name was Kevin Pack and that I wouldn’t stop talking about K-PAX so they all started calling me K-PAX. It took a lot of convincing but I finally got my parents to agree to move so I could be rid of the nickname.

My faith in Kevin Spacey was, as I’m sure you all know, restored soon after as he appeared in stellar role after role butK-PAX still haunts me. I imagine that, in some way, it always will.

In one day I lost my hero, my faith and my virginity. I only ever got one of them back.