President of the Catholic League Bill Donohue here. I represent American Catholics, whether they like it or not. You might remember me as the guy who’s always on the news defending priests who molested children. When the news wants to show both sides for some reason, and no one else will answer the call, I’m there. Sometimes I even make the calls myself, just to make sure they don’t need me. These days, you can never be too sure. I’ll take or make any opportunity to get on camera and play the victim. It gets me so, so hard.
Look, I don’t know why blood rushes to my groin when anyone says anything I think is anti-Catholic. I just know it does. Maybe it’s an extension of the shame instilled in me as a child by my priests. Maybe some wires in my brain are crossed after years of injecting myself in some of the worst situations imaginable. Maybe. I’ve stopped questioning it. When I do, my hard on goes away.
It started so innocently. I would spend my days writing tirades about things no one cares about so I could get five bucks from your grandmother. But at some point something shifted. It stopped being about the money. I started to enjoy it. And now I’m so far down this rabbit’s hole, I consider anything that prevents me from forcing my beliefs on others to be anti-Catholic or I’ll only get a half chub.
Sometimes a nun says something I decide is anti-Catholic, and boy does that ever work. Just a few tugs and I’m there. The best is the rare occasion a priest is anti-Catholic. I don’t even have to touch myself. And I’m not saying there aren’t priests who’ve abused children. Of course there are. Tons of them, we all know that. If they’re guilty, they should be prosecuted. But I’m not going to do anything about it, or care, or acknowledge it. Also, I’ll probably call the victims gold diggers.
Now, do I use the LGBT community as a scapegoat to explain away the systematic cover ups that enabled those horrible atrocities? Yes. Does it make sense? No. But it gets my dick hard as fuck. And if no one’s getting hurt, I don’t see the problem. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. I have nothing against gays, lesbians, or blacks. They’re all equal. But anytime I can get on the news and rub an opinion out, I have to.
A man has his needs, and it’s not easy for me. So you make sacrifices. I cross some boundaries society would rather I didn’t. Who are you to judge? If I’ve offended you, write a jezebel article. My staff will print it out and my staff will enjoy it. And there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. Nobody can stop me. The Catholic Church can’t even stop me. Uh oh… I’m sounding pretty anti-Catholic myself. I’ve been a bad league. A naughty, naughty league.
So keep talking shit about Catholics. Because if you stop, nothing will make me cum.