You Know What? Fuck It, I Am The Illuminati

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By Beyoncé Knowles

That’s right, I am the Illuminati, not just a piece of it, but the whole damn thing. Now what are you little fuck-sticks gonna do about it? Nothing, that’s what.

You act like you hold all the cards, like knowing that I rule the world will somehow relinquish my control over it. Are you really that fucking stupid? How can anybody be that stupid? That’s like thinking that because you know where the bank keeps its money, you’re now a rich man. You are not rich. You’ll never be rich. No one that plays the game that stupid ever gets a damn thing. You’ve been posting your little conspiracies online for years and nobody cares. Nobody will ever care, because you’re at the bottom of the barrel. I’m not sure what happens at the bottom of the barrel, as I’ve never been there myself, but I hear the fish are easy. Why don’t you fuck one until you’re left raw, bleeding and unable. Or until you learn your place. Whichever comes first.

I run the world. I make sure your planes land on time, your sushi is well-prepared. I’m the reason your daughter got her first period in the middle of that big family vacation. I thought it would be funny and it was. I do most things because I think it would be funny. Not much else to do up here from the top once you’re already pretending to fuck Jay-Z. Like I’ve got time to fuck Jay-Z. I mean, Z’s a good guy and everything, but I’m the Illuminati, come on, I’m a little out of his league. If Beyoncé is gonna fuck anyone it’s gonna be Beyoncé and let me tell ya; I’m fantastic. Maybe if someone were something like the Templars or the Free Masons (*cough*pussies*cough*) it would work out, but those organizations are hundreds of thousands of members deep. As far as I know, I’m the only secret society that has ever been one member. But it didn’t used to be this way.

When I joined the Illuminati, it was pretty chill. I got to hang out with some of the most richest and secret human beings on the planet AND we got free soda at McDonald’s. That was enough at first, being the youngest black woman ever accepted into the Illuminati that wasn’t named Oprah, but eventually I wanted more. It wasn’t enough to just be one of the chosen leaders of the world, I wanted to lead those leaders. Through bribery, thievery and chicanery, I quickly rose through the ranks of the organization through a series of Pokemon Card battles. A strange system to ascertain the new leader, to be sure, but I was kicking ass, even with just my starter pack. Once I bought more cards? I was unstoppable. The few people that may have stopped me were found hanging in the closet next to their own pants the morning before our matches, just to be on the safe side. The rest of the Illuminati caught on to what I was doing, but they didn’t stop it. If anything, they respected it. They’re big murder fans. Soon enough I became their Queen.

You’d think that being Queen of the Illuminati would have been enough for me, but it just wasn’t. Most of the people that were still in the Illuminati sucked. They either weren’t attractive or smelled like an unused mattress. ‘Yoncé wasn’t having none of that, so I instituted a “no uggos” policy that was hugely unpopular but still stringently enforced. I didn’t want to do it, I had to do it. I was genuinely concerned about the look and smell of these “elite” individuals and felt that it was my duty as Queen Illuminati to make sure that they took care of themselves. Anyone that weighed over 120 lbs. or that I found somehow offensive would be banished to the Land of the Poor until they were able to lose the weight or become more attractive, because I am a fair Queen. Of course when they’d lose the weight and try to return I wouldn’t let them back. I knew what they were, what they always would be, and I refused to try and see them in a different light. Queen Illuminati doesn’t have time for that shit.

Eventually everyone would be removed for one reason or another. Whether it was their hair, their shoes or the way they ate their soup, I found a way to exclude them. I was having a great time at first, sitting on my throne eating applesauce while Jay-Z ate my pussy through a sandwich bag (I still haven’t let him physically touch me), but eventually I got lonely. Were these people that were ordered not to look me in the eyes or address me verbally even really my friends? Sometimes I wonder. Was getting a triangle on the back of paper money really worth all this? Am I making the world a better or worse place? I guess we’ll never know for sure. And I don’t really care. I do shit ‘cause I wanna see if I can, and since the last thing I did was take over the world, I’m kind of out of shit to do.

Guess I’ll just go fuck myself.