Yo Judge, I’m Really Happy For You, I’mma Let You Finish, But Bill Cosby Is Innocent

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By Kanye West

I told myself I wasn’t going to do this again, but the way I see it, I don’t really have a choice.

I look around every day and see all these people coming down on Mr. Cosby, one of few black men to break through into mainstream entertainment, especially back then. Not just by appearing on some white person’s show, either. He got it all done himself. He was the star, the creator. Everything rested on him and it was a burden he was more than ready to shoulder, he was just that good. Now all these years later, I hear this shit and I’m just supposed to believe it like everyone else? I know what’s going on here. You all saw how powerful I was becoming and you knew you couldn’t take me head on, so you’ve started going after my heroes. You’re trying to weaken my resolve, my character, but let me tell you something; nobody can take away what my heroes already gave me. I hope.

Now I know that there a lot of women coming forward and saying that Mr. Cosby did terrible things to them, but women lie. Trust me. There was that one girl in 2nd grade that told me that she didn’t take my red crayon but she totally took my red crayon because I wrote my name on all my crayons and it was right on it but she acted like she couldn’t see it. And there was that other time I asked this girl I was dating in high school if she was cheating on me and she told me no, but it turns out she totally was. That along with the red crayon thing really hurt Young Kanye and he developed a lot of trust issues. Now I’m Old Kanye, a different person entirely. Nobody would ever cheat on me because I’m as close to perfection as man can get. Kind of makes life boring, to be honest. What am I supposed to do now? Just keep on putting out albums and pretend I’m not just biding my time until I reach the Godhood I’ve already earned? I guess it could be worse. I could be like the rest of you not famous people.

I know it must be hard to be so not famous. I used to be not famous myself once, you know. It wasn’t easy, but I always knew that some day I would be successful. I’m not kidding about knowing, either. In 8th grade a man that looked kind of like my father but older appeared in my room like a bolt of lightning and claimed that he was me from the future. He told me that I was going to be the most famous person in the world some day and I needed to start acting like it now. I didn’t buy it at first, because that’s what people do in the movies, but eventually I came around for no particular reason after receiving no new information.

Ya’ll think it’s easy for folks like me and Mr Cosby to be rich and famous, but let me tell you, it’s not. Yeah, it’s a lot better than not being rich and famous, but it can be pretty annoying. Like when everyone wants to take pictures of you all the time because they can’t stop looking at you. That sucks. I hate it so much! It’s like, yeah, I look great and yeah, I made my location available on Four Square, but that doesn’t mean I want a bunch of people coming by and taking pictures of me with all of my famous friends. It’s bad for busin– it’s just plain– you know what? Never mind. You can take pictures of me. But don’t you dare do that thing where you pretend that you’re taking a picture but you’re really taking a video so now I look like some idiot posing for a video like it’s a picture. It makes me look and feel like a real jerk and I didn’t get rich to be treated like some jackass friend of yours that’s too stupid to know you don’t respect them.

I guess my biggest problem with this whole scenario is that if Bill Cosby wanted some pussy, he could have gotten some pussy. Hell, if I had a pussy I’d give it up right now. I imagine. Actually, I have no idea what it’s like to be a woman. Just because most men are the kind of disgusting pigs that would have sex with just about anyone that happened to have the genitals they preferred, doesn’t necessarily mean that women are just some cumdumpster waiting for a powerful man with money to show up and take them away from their meaningless little poor people lives. I get that not everyone wants to fuck rich and famous people, at least on a theoretical level, but I just don’t get why Bill Cosby would do it. Not to the women necessarily, but to me. Didn’t he know how much black kids looked up to him? Even if he wasn’t our thing, he was still someone that went the distance and proved he could do it just as well if not better than any white comedic entertainer with nothing but his own talent. It’s not like I ever wanted to be a comedian, but I did want to be like Cosby.

I liked him so much that when I first heard that he’d done this terrible thing, I just couldn’t bring myself to believe it, but the more I think about it the more I realize that it must be true. I mean, fifty women? All with nothing to gain? I guess I just gotta come to terms with what Bill Cosby really is and accept that just because one of my heroes was a fraud, doesn’t necessarily mean that I am.

Now judge, you can finish. I said what I had to say.