Popular ‘90s hip hop group and renowned comedic performer Bill Murray were killed Sunday evening while invading a home in an attempt to take back a Wu Tang Clan album that a fan paid 2 million dollars to own. The contract stated that while the purchaser would be the soul owner of the record, the Wu Tang Clan and/or Bill Murray would have the legal authority to attempt to take the album back, returning ownership to the Wu Tang Clan and/or Mr. Murray. When it was revealed who had purchased the album, the Clan knew they would have to try and get it back.
The purchaser of the album was none other than Martin Shkreli, an AIDS medication mogul and local supervillain. After purchasing a medication that was a significant chunk of the population’s last chance for survival, he hiked the price up by 5,000%, ensuring that no one on this planet would ever see him for anything other than the inhuman pile of trash that he is for the rest of his life. So he decided to lean into it. Not only did he purchase the album, but he flaunted it in people’s faces. He antagonized people, asking one Twitter user what his favorite band was and threatened to buy everything they own and keep it for himself. He could do it. He just proved that he could do it. We lived in a world where even the Wu Tang Clan were for sale.
Which is exactly why the Wu Tang Clan feat. Bill Murray knew they had to try and get the album back.
Having never performed an elaborate, high class heist before, they consulted George Clooney and Matt Damon. Matt wasn’t much help but Clooney was a gold mine. Not as far as plotting out a heist as they had hoped, but he did know where to get drugs the Wu Tang Clan had never even heard of and Bill Murray had only done fifty or sixty times. They didn’t learn much about heists, but they did learn a great deal about each other and even a little about themselves. After Clooney fell asleep and they finally convinced Matt Damon to leave, the Clan feat. Bill Murray got to work.
The plan was to go in real quiet, possibly walking on tippy-toes. They would sneak up to the house and peak into the windows to see where the album was, assuming it would be on a counter or a shelf you could see from a window. Once they located the album, they would use a bobby pin to pick the lock. A technique they had all learned from a popular video game. They thought it’d be a piece of cake, but Shkreli was ready for them.
Shkreli hadn’t left the album out in plain sight, but instead hid it inside a vault that was inside an even bigger vault. He had all the doors to his mansion dead-bolted from the inside, making lock picking all but impossible. If that wasn’t enough, he’d also placed several dozen armed guards and land mines in the yard to deter would be home invaders/hip hop artists. If that wasn’t enough, each room of his mansion was designed specifically to physically and psychologically torture the members of the Wu Tang Clan and/or Bill Murray. Luckily, many of them wouldn’t live long enough to suffer.
By the time they made it into the house and past the armed guards, only Bill Murray and RZA were left. Shkreli was playing the album in question over the loudspeaker and monologuing about how he’s not really that evil because everyone’s evil or something. He got Bill in the first room, preying on his fear of baby-sized novelty t-shirts and thirty-four bullets in the chest. RZA hung in there a lot longer than many would have after seeing what happened to Bill, but even he fell to Shkreli’s traps, never managing to make it out of the hall of mirrors. The second to last thing he heard was Shkreli’s laughter.
The last thing he heard was Cher’s sick vocals.