In news that is sure to devastate both the Clinton and Trump camps, Wikileaks has recently unleashed a data dump indicating that the DNC actually tried to elevate Trump to ensure he was the Presidential nominee of the Republican Party as he would be the easiest target to defeat.
Though the news seems to be a revelation to many, most Americans that are familiar with movies, television shows, newspapers, popular pamphlets, blogs, their Uncle’s Thanksgiving Day rants or just mildy aware of the world around them seem wholly unsurprised by the news, some even going so far as to wondering why someone would even bother bringing it to their attention in the first place, let alone making such a big deal about it.
Local DJ and self-proclaimed Farmer’s Market lover Chad Chippleton said to our reporters this morning that not only did the news not surprise him, he’s relatively sure he’d already heard it somewhere. “Maybe it was something like Reddit or Facebook, I dunno,” Chad said while drinking a large frosted beverage from his local mom and pop coffee establishment while prominently displaying the label, “I don’t really know why we’re supposed to care. Doesn’t everybody already know this shit? It’s like when someone shows you one of those videos of animals being turned into chicken nuggets or whatever. It’s like, yeah dude, I’m 32. I already know. It doesn’t make you cool or smart to try and ruin my lunch. It’s just disrespecting our intelligence is what it is. I’m not a fucking idiot.” He then walked away, hopped on his skateboard and did a kickflip into oncoming traffic.
“I think it’s sexist,” one man, Clarence Buts, said while waiting in line to buy the latest issue of Penthouse, “Whenever a man wants to game the system for hundreds of millions of dollars with the help of his wife that used to be the President, we don’t hear a peep about it, you know?” When asked to give an example of another instance of this ever happening in the history of the country, the man claimed he couldn’t think of one, “Which is exactly my point. Nobody covers it, but you know it has to have happened before, right? There have been at least like 8 Presidents that I know of and I haven’t heard of even one of them being corrupt, yet once a woman runs it’s off to the races with the corruption charges!” In response to our reporter informing him that there actually haven’t been any formal corruption charges filed against Hillary Clinton, he replied, “That’s sexist! Ya know, just because I never know what I’m talking about doesn’t mean ya’ll aren’t being a bunch of sexist pigs!” before taking his newly purchased Penthouse magazine to his car and shortly thereafter being arrested for indecent exposure in the same gas station parking lot.
The charges of the Wikileaks being of a very serious nature does not and most likely will not change the minds of many American voters, much to the dismay of Assange and his attempts to take the Presidential hopeful down, most likely due to the fact that Clinton is running against what amateur scientist and professional piano cleaner Jessica Berkley called, “Perhaps the dumbest, most arrogant and least capable of leading person that has ever run for any sort of office in the history of the planet. So… I guess her plan kind of worked, huh?”
“Sounds like a good politician to me.”