Wendy’s Baconator Review


On a November night just like this eight years ago, I was tasked with solving a series of murders that seemed to be centralized entirely at the Wendy’s location on Lake and Grand.

By then I’d already gotten kicked off the force, but I took out Craigslist ads offering to help solve any murders for people that didn’t want to go to the police for reasons that were usually criminal. I didn’t care, murder was murder, I just wanted to solve them. I never charged, but I did accept hush money. I didn’t have much to do since I lost my job and the only thing I ever learned to do well was solving murders, so when a manager at Wendy’s gave me a call one night and wanted me to swing by and solve a series of serial killings they’d been having for the last 6 months, I said yes.

I headed over later that night, grabbed a booth and the Assistant Manager, Dani, gave me the details; for the last six months, they kept finding the bodies of the graveyard shift workers in the freezer when the morning staff would come in. They couldn’t tell if the bodies had been killed before they were frozen since they couldn’t go to the police, afraid it would draw the attention of the Health Inspector. They’d been burying the bodies behind the shed where they kept the napkins. I said I’d like to see them if I could, she said I could but that maybe I should eat first, while I still had an appetite. That’s when I had my very first Baconator.

The first thing I remember thinking about it is that it was big. Lord, was it big. I wasn’t even sure how I was going to get my mouth around it. I’d never heard of the Baconator before Dani told me about it. Apparently, it was a real hit with the kids that were out for a night on the town. I guess when you’re young and virile, the idea for a half pound of bacon sounds great. Well, I never thought of myself as being young or hip in any way, but boy did I love that Baconator. It may sound corny, but it was truly love at first bite. That fresh tomato, the freshly cooked hamburger patties, the mayo and ketchup distributed so evenly that eating it surely must be some sort of sin. It was not of this world, that Baconator.

I finished up and we went to the back to dig up the bodies. Dani gave me a hand but she wasn’t really helping so much as getting in my way. I get it it, you want to feel like you’re doing something, but if you’re just going to pick up a handful of dirt at a time why are we even using shovels? By the time we got to the bodies, which took at least twice as long as it would have had I been digging alone, it was almost closing time. The bodies were gross, and I couldn’t tell anything from looking at them. I have no idea why I thought I could. I ended up losing my lunch, so I was down on Baconator. Dani made me another to go and gave me one crucial piece of information; the killings always took place when someone was closing the restaurant alone. I thanked her for the Baconator, apologized a third time for the several shoveling-related outbursts and said I’d be back tomorrow and left Dani alone to close the restaurant.

When I came back the next day I was horrified to discover from the Manager that Dani had been killed. It happened just like all the rest; they found her in the freezer with her phone frozen in her hand, still working and reading that it has no signal. This bastard thought of everything. I never should have left her alone. I knew that the killer was going after people that were working alone, she’d just given me that information. How could I have been so stupid? Or maybe maybe it wasn’t a killer. How could it be? In all my years on the force, I didn’t once have a murder on my hands, except when witchcraft was involved. That’s when I realized that it must be the Curse of the Baconator.

As the Baconator had just come out 6 months before, I was sure that this had to be the case. So sure that I brought it to the Manager immediately, but she wouldn’t listen. So I called the Health Inspector and tipped him off to a particularly unclean Wendy’s. The next day the place was swarming with cops when they’d found the bodies behind the shed. The Manager got taken in, which I was sorry about, but it had to be done. This curse was going to kill every last employee in that building if I didn’t put a stop to it. Who else was going to get frozen to death just because old man Wendy wanted his?

In the end I was relieved to find that the place wasn’t actually cursed. The Health Inspector noticed, even before finding the bodies, that the freezer doors handle was broken on the inside. People that were working alone were just getting locked inside, while the nature of the large metal box made cell phones useless. Therefore I can end my Baconator review on a high note, as it is not cursed, so eat this delicious burger while you still can, because who knows what kind of curses the future has in store for all of us!

Five stars.