Well Excuse Us for Trying to Give You the Home-Field Advantage


By A Terrorist

This rivalry is really getting out of hand.

I know that we have opposing ideologies, you destroying our culture and our homes to fight your wars and you trying to exterminate us from the face of the planet. We get that there’s going to be some seriously hard feelings on both sides of this thing, some mature, some less so, but not even allowing people that look like us into your country? Is that really something you want to start? Once it’s your turn to start hosting a few of these games, you turn tail and run away like a bunch of cowards? I understand that you’re upset when we destroy a few of your buildings or… well, we haven’t done a lot to you other than that really, but we get why you’re angry. I mean, that’s what we were going for, after all, but this Muslim ban? Get off your fucking high horse already.

You come and go into our countries whenever you want, you kill our civilians and chalk it up to the casualties of war. What would happen if we came into your country and started murdering people that we had decided from outside were “bad guys?” You think you’d take that kind of thing lying down? Of course not. You think you’re better than us, you think you can do whatever you want because you’re on a 200-year winning streak and our homes and cities have been decimated by armies just like yours, yet when we get a few good things going for us when it comes to our military, suddenly we’re the bad guys just because we don’t have the PR you do. Well, you know what? I’ve seen your cities, your fast food, your malls and let me tell you; not the best people.

Some of the people I’ve met spreading terror are my best friends. Sure, we might not agree on everything, like killing innocent people or which books we should use to teach our children about doing as we’re told, but it’s all pretty much the same thing when you boil it down. We’re the underdogs here, trying to make a name for ourselves in this big blue marble we all share and you’re afraid of us? Truly? That’d almost be a compliment if it weren’t so insulting.

You made us. We weren’t genetically predisposed to hating America. America showed us that it was something that deserved to be hating. Are all of our accusations leveled against it and it’s people fair? Of course not, but are yours? Is it fair of you to lump all of our people in with the very, very select few that rise to the occasion of spreading the terror that modern civilization has ingrained in us? I don’t think so. What are we expected to do? Give up? To no longer continue our way of life because a country across the ocean thinks that it’s too spooky? I don’t think that’s fair to ask of us, nor do I think it’s fair to call us terrorists.

Was George Washington a terrorist? Before you answer, think about it: The English came over in ships, did some corn-growing and genociding then, when England was being a little too pushy with their taxes, decided that they ought to start killing them. Is that not terrorism? It certainly seems like it to me, at least if that’s what you consider what we do to be terrorism. I wouldn’t know, I try not to pass judgement on God-less infidels like some people. If it’s a question of which of us had a richer past or cruelty, The United States government or the various terrorist cells that have sprung up in your wake, well I would have to say it’s the United States by a mile. Don’t get me wrong, we’ll get there, but we’re still in our infancy and you’re just walking around knocking the candy out of our hands every time we get some. Not very good sportsmanship if you ask me.

That’s really what I’m getting at here; sportsmanship. You come to our stadium year-round, we figure it’s fair to take the game over to you every now and then. Not only to you, but to us. We like to play an away game every now and then, take the team on the road, bond as only a group of strangers in a new land can, but do you give us the courtesy? Of course not. You act like you’re doing us a service by coming to us but we know the truth. You just don’t want us mucking up your home. Really makes a group of ragtag alienated professional murderers feel special.

Not that you ever cared about us, which is why we got into this immature rivalry in the first place. You’ve spent your entire careers acting like we don’t even exist. Do you know what that feels like? We live on this planet too, you know. We’re not just waiting around until you need another oil shipment or something called a Gyllenhaal wants to come hang out and research a part. We have half a mind to tell you that the next time you have a war to fight you can do it on your own, but we just aren’t that cruel. I will tell you one thing, though: Until this travel ban is lifted? No more Americans in our country.

Yeah, you heard me right. You want to take your family vacationing in Iraq? Forget it. We don’t need your money any more than we need yours. Hurts to lose your favorite vacation destination, doesn’t it? I bet. I wouldn’t know what it feels like myself, I’ve never lost access to travel to somewhere I care about. Just some shithole in the middle of nowhere that’s most famous for not being India.

If you want to settle this like adults on the field, then by all means send us an invite.