University of Chicago Boasts: #1 School for Pigheaded Assholes, Rapists


Looking to rape someone while receiving a higher education? Well, look no further than the University of Chicago! We pride ourselves on both not being safe or hearing anyone out that doesn’t share our specific ideas all under the ludicrous umbrella of “no censorship!”

How many times have you had something negative to say about racial minorities, gays or a woman’s right to choose and the government has censored you? Never? Well at the University of Chicago, we’ll make sure it stays that way!

Care to see what the real world is like, but much, much worse? Take a tour of one of our patented, “Dangerous Spaces” where the laws of man are abandoned and anything goes. While your time in the Dangerous Space will most likely be incredibly traumatizing, when you reemerge in the real world it will then feel like a Safe Space in comparison, and that’s really the goal of the University of Chicago; to provide an experience so terrible that the rest of your life will be a breeze.

As for the people looking to take advantage; you’re in luck too! Do you have a lot of pent up sexual frustration and rage that prevents you from participating in the mundane trivialities that life presents you on a day by day basis? That’s never going to go away, but much like in the popular documentary film, A Clockwork Orange, we believe that all one needs to get over that bloodlust/regular-style lust is to give in to temptation and go all-out for 4-8 years, hurting as many people as you can with zero repercussions!

At this point I would like to remind you that this freedom of expression does not include the right to harass or threaten others, but we all know that’s just something we have to say, right? Right.

No safe spaces! No trigger-warnings! We’re doing it like they did it before anybody knew any better for the sake of progress!

Come join us, won’t you?