Raleigh resident Dennis Dermitt recently declared with no provocation late Tuesday evening that he would not sleep with an incredibly wealthy, attractive actress from a movie he had just seen with several of his friends.
Even though is friends were talking about how great she was in the movie and not at all curious about what made Dennis’ dick hard, Dennis gave them the information unprovoked and in an incredibly defensive tone, leaving many of his friends to wonder why he would bring it up at all if it was clearly such a sore subject for him.
“I just don’t get it,” Dennis said while picking a Cheetoh crumbs out of his giant, wet beard, “She’s not even that hot. Sure, she’s a good actor and seems like a good person, but so are a lot of people.” When friends of Dennis pointed out that she was in fact fairly objectionably beautiful, he took the opportunity to point out flaws in her nearly flawless appearance.
“Look at her ears! You’re telling me you could fuck a girl with ears that pointy and not throw up?” Though the response from friends was minimal and they just wanted to move onto a different subject, Dennis went on to say, “I guess I just have standards,” before removing his XXL System of a Down t-shirt and wringing the sweat out of it into a public trashcan. When an employee at the movie theater asked him to please either put his shirt back on or leave, Dennis declared, “Oh, but it’s okay for that HAG to take her shirt off and flop those gross, twenty-two years old titties around in all of our faces? Did you guys SEE her nipples? I’d rather die than have to look at those things again! I would LITERALLY die!”
Later that night Dennis would be removed from a clothing store for masturbating on a hanger that once held a pair of woman’s underwear.