Sitcom star and comedian Jerry Seinfeld, taking time off from driving cars and trying to convince children to think more like a 60-year-old billionaire, has recently been called on by President Elect Donald Trump to help him draft a series of new “rules” to be enforced in an effort to bring upon what the Trump administration considers to be much-needed changes to the infrastructure of American politics. Working together, they have constructed a comprehensive list of the important bills and social programs they plan to install to rejuvenate a stagnant economy in the wake of the colossal failure they claim that Obamacare has been.
Though Trump had a hand, it is said that a majority of “What’s the [New] Deal?” was drafted by Seinfeld, with only a few tags thrown in here and there by Trump. With that we present to you “What’s the [New] Deal?” in its entirety.
What’s the [New] Deal?:
What’s the [new] deal with Airforce 1? It’s not one plane! Does that REALLY constitute an entire airforce? It doesn’t even have any offensive capabilities! If I have a single peanut, I’m not going around saying, “Get a load of this jar of peanut butter!” Let me tell you, if I had to go to war with any airforce on the planet, I’d have to go with Airforce 1!
What’s the [new] deal with the White House? That’s REALLY what we’re calling it? That’s the best name we’ve got? “Hey, Frank, we just put the last column up and we still don’t have a name yet. What’ya think?” He takes one look at it and says, “I’ve got it! We’ll call it, “The White House!”” “Listen, Frank, why don’t you sleep on it before we commit anything to parchment.” “No, no, that’s the name!” “Frank, remember when you called the pentagon “The Square Circle-thing” and we had to re-do all that paperwork? I’ve gotta churn butter this weekend. If you pick this name we are sticking with it till the end.”
What’s the [new] deal with taxes? We’ve got sales tax, income tax, thumb tax, there’s too much tax!
What’s the [new] deal with criminals? They commit crimes and then they’re SURPRISED that we want to deport them or throw them in prison? What, they think that just because they came from another country that they have some kind of diplomatic immunity? This ain’t the movies, buddy! You don’t get to just live in this country and expect to be treated like a human being just because you are one! That’s for the people that were born here! They earned it! So get back to Mexico or Canada or that tub you were crossing the ocean in and learn to love it!
What’s the [new] deal with peeing in the pool? Is there any other situation where it’s okay to pee just because someone can’t see you? You ever pee in the movie theater? You’ve really got to go but you know there’s a good part coming but the theater’s so dark it’s not like anybody’s going to see anyway?
What’s the [new] deal with my wife being such a bitch? I get that she’s thirty years younger than me and as dumb as a thumb tax, but come on! Just sexually gratify me and bear my children! Is that so much to ask? Back in my day men were men and woman listened to men or they got hit. I’m not saying that was a better time but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a lot we could learn from the experience.
What’s the [new] deal with the female orgasm? If it’s a real thing why have I never seen it? What’s so wrong with what I’m doing? I put the thing in her, I give it all I’ve got and it throws up all over her stomach. It’s getting my thing all ready to throw up just thinking about it. What more could women want?
What’s the [new] deal with my daughter never introducing me to her friends? I’m a comedy legend! They’d love to meet me! I’m Jerry Seinfeld! I spent my thirties hanging out with my best friends on television to the delight of an entire nation! Just because I fucked a few of them between high school and college doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t want to meet me/shouldn’t be given the courtesy!
What’s the [new] deal with public schools? Should schools REALLY be public? I think they should be inside buildings myself.
Finally, what’s the [new] deal with Airforce 1 peanuts? They won’t give me any! All they’ve got is steak, lobster, a different kind of steak and Jack Daniels up there! Maybe I’m simple-minded, but when I get on a plane I want some gosh-darn peanuts!
There you have it; Jerry Seinfeld’s “What’s the [New] Deal?”. What did you think? Did you love it? Hate it? Love some parts and hate others? Let us know in the comments and we’ll forward it to Jerry and the Trump administration as soon as possible.