Late Friday night current Presidential hopeful and future minimum security prison inmate Donal Trump launched his Trump Lives Matter hashtag (#TrumpLivesMatter) via social media and was surprised by the lack of traction it received from anyone that wasn’t himself.
“I don’t get it,” Trump said, speaking to nobody in particular while trying on shoes at the mall, “People love me, they love my brand. They think it’s the best brand ever. Yet when I suggest that I should be able to continue being alive I’m met with silence. What gives?” The man who gave him a temporary sock to try on the shoes looked around, realized he was speaking to him, and shrugged his shoulders. “You understand what I’m saying. I respect that.”
Some suggest that it may just be due to the fact that he didn’t make the post until 4:00 A.M. but Trump doesn’t believe that had any affect. “I go online any time, any platform, whether it’s Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat or Grinder, people retweet what I have to say. They love what I have to say. What I have to say is some of the best stuff they’ve ever heard someone say in their lives,” Trump said while returning the sock, “How is this different? Do they honestly not want me to live forever? Because I would be the absolute best at it.”
“I’d be way better at it than Lestat, I’ll tell you that right now,” Trump said while walking through the mall alone, speaking into his phone so people wouldn’t think him crazy, “That little wimp couldn’t handle it at all. If I were immortal, I wouldn’t whine about it. I wouldn’t act like being blessed with eternal life was a twisted curse that the human mind was not prepared to endure, I’d tough it out. I’d be the best damn immortal this world has ever seen and I’d do it with a smile from ear to ear.”
“I sure as hell wouldn’t go out to the desert, wait for the sun to rise and fly towards it as fast as I could, looking for the easy way out. No, not me.” Trump then put his penis away, entered his Subaru and began driving away, but not before yelling out the window to no one in particular, “If I see one #LestatLivesMatter I’m going to come at you with everything I’ve got. That punk knows nothing about being immortal.”
“Even if I die, my spirit will live on. Not like that wimp Lestat. Boy, he really grinds my gears. Anne Rice, you’re nothing but hot trash for giving that piece of shit a platform.”
As of the writing of this article it is unclear whether Trump knows that the vampire Lestat is fictional or not.