Trump Administration Introduces Turtle as Secretary of State


President Elect Donald Trump’s transition team has shocked the world yet again this morning when they announced that Entourage’s Turtle will be the newest appointment into his Cabinet as the new Secretary of State. While the announcements of Reince Priebus, what we at The Trashcan at first believed to be a poor-selling high-end automobile but turned out to be a person and known KKK adjacent media mogul Stephen Bannon, the announcement of Turtle has come as even more of a surprise to the public, several people even saying that they would riot if they had to live under the thumb of such a meaningless cast member of an already meaningless show.

Even more surprising is that inclusion of fat Turtle instead of the lean, fit Turtle seen in the recent film adaptation of the series. When the Trump Administration was asked to comment on the inclusion of fat Turtle over fit Turtle, they replied that they weren’t comfortable commenting yet. American citizens are understandably upset over the inclusion of Turtle at all, let alone the fat Turtle that we all thought we’d seen the last of.

Jen Stenberg, a New York mother of 3, political insider, outspoken lesbian and lover of HBO’s original programming said this morning on her popular blog Mommy Knows B[r]e[a]st[s] that Turtle is the character least equipped to handle complicated foreign affairs, citing that time he tried to get that girl to suck his dick and just couldn’t seal the deal. “I don’t know about you, but if our foreign policy is being dictated by a guy that couldn’t even get a girl the slobbed Drama’s knob to give his pixie stick a whirl, I don’t see how he could be an effective peacekeeper,” she said while loading groceries into her car and strapping her smallest child into a car seat, “Now E, I could see E doing a good job. Hell, even Drama or Vince could probably get this country onto something that at least resembles the right track, but Turtle? Not even thin Turtle, but the fat Turtle? You can’t even pick the best Entourage member, you’ve even got to fuck up which version of him you go with? It’s time you started to take this shit seriously, Mr. Trump, or I might start thinking about reconsidering my vote for you.”

We at The Trashcan think it’s important to wait and see the kind of job Turtle is going to do before passing judgment, and we wish him the best going forward, but we find this decision to be very suspect. Not just as Americans, but as Entourage fans.