To Our Minneapolis Members: Tone It Down A Little


By The Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan

We’re already in the lead over here, there’s really no need to gloat about it.

We’ve always had the lead. Not sure why, I’m no historiographer, but that doesn’t mean we have to be dicks about it. It’s just making things harder. We can’t be openly racist these days, times have changed. And let’s face it; what we do is objectively terrible. If it weren’t for the badass costumes and all of the power we wield behind the scenes, I don’t think most of us would still be doing this. But getting away with systemic racism on this scale is a delicate balance, to say the least, and It’s not like we’ve got the best and brightest on our side over here.

Most of us are pretty stupid. In most chapters, the highest I.Q. rarely hits the triple digits. While trying to maintain control of an entire country, with interests spanning across the globe, it becomes harder to keep a lid on things when most of your members can barely tie their own shoes let alone remember what not to say about, well, just about anything we believe in. Makes folk wonder how great the white race really is. Personally, I never saw much in it. The color of a person’s skin’s got nothing to do with the person underneath in my eyes, but our grandfathers were born white. Then our fathers were born white. When we came along, sure enough, white as all hell. I didn’t search out the KKK, none of us did. It’s more about heritage. Your father brings you to your first meeting and you say yes, sir. It felt a lot like church; none of us really believed in what they were saying but we all nodded and pretended we did. Before you know it you’re the Grand Wizard and let me tell you, other than the all the picnics, it ain’t no picnic.

It’s a lot harder to be a white supremacist than you’d think. First of all, you have to ignore pretty much all science. When it comes to genetics research, science really backed us into a corner. Not only do they say that the white race isn’t superior in any way, but that the best genetic material comes from mixing the races as much as you possibly can. That doesn’t go over too well at the rallies. Second, we really have to keep this shit a secret these days. The hoods usted to just be for fun, but now nobody wants to be caught sympathizing with the KKK, let alone make the fact that they’re a member public. That’s instant political and professional death, as it should be. What we stand for is pretty disgusting.

Which brings me to what’s going on in Minneapolis. I know you’re just spread “the message” and that you’re on “our” side, but all these cops murdering innocent minorities and people bitching about the Black Lives Matter protests like it’s a personal slight against them need to stop. Especially you pathetic little shitbags that are complaining about getting home from work on time. People are being murdered in your streets. I know we’re racist scumbags and everything, but Jesus Christ, show at least a little compassion. Your complaint is that it took longer to get home from work ONE DAY, there complaint is that they are systematically abused and in many cases murdered. I know we’re all garbage people, but you can at least pretend to have a little fucking heart.

We can’t just ride into battle on our horses with torches anymore. We have to be careful. It’s a different world. A better world in a lot of ways. A better world in most ways, now that I think about it. What’s so great about the old world? The death for no reason? The crime so rampant that we could do nothing to control but invent boogeymen in the sky for poor people to be afraid of? The complete lack of soda pop? That’s not the world that this Grand Wizard wants to live in.

The problems we have in today’s society are entirely our fault, I’m sorry to say. Sure, we can blame other people and point fingers all day long, but when it comes down to it? We and people like us made this mess. We’ve made minorities poor and desperate and then we blame them for the crimes they have all but no choice to commit. Push someone up against a wall, they’re going to try to get free, and they’re not going to care about the damage they do to whoever pushed them against that wall. What did you think they were going to do? Take the big plate of nothing we were giving them, lay down and die? They deserve better than nothing, and we’ve even managed to give them less than that.

Not only do we give them nothing, we murder them openly in the street. It may have been all well and good a hundred and thirty years ago, but these days everyone has cameras, the internet and a conscience. The tricks of yesterday are not what will take us forward into the digital age. Hell, I don’t even know if there’s a place for us anymore. Maybe there shouldn’t be. To be completely honest with you, I don’t care about the race war, the power or the title of Grand Wizard, I’m mostly keeping this thing alive for the costumes. Face it; you take away the symbolism behind these things and they’re actually pretty rad. We’re basically just medieval Storm Troopers. How cool is that?

Perhaps not cool enough to get away with being racist scum bags. Maybe I should restructure the organization. We could start painting fences or reading to the elderly instead of starting fires and having practice piñata lynchings. Maybe we don’t have to shoot unarmed black men to make ourselves feel strong anymore, maybe our strength can come from our acceptance of others. Maybe if we just took a minute to love ourselves we wouldn’t feel the need to hate others with such intensity? Or maybe that’s just an excuse. Maybe we should just stop being the worst pieces of shit alive. Either way, tone it down, guys. This isn’t how things work anymore. If we don’t adapt with the times, we’ll be crushed by them.

We’re going to need a lot more progression in the KKK if we’re going to survive.