These Indiana Jones Movies Have Really Gone Off The Rails

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By Harrison Ford

For the last year or so I’ve been over here in this godawful lot busting my hump to churn out yet another of these damn Indiana Jones movies. I don’t even know what this one is about. I’m sure somebody told me at some point, but how the hell should I know? All I can tell is that it’s weird as all hell. For starters, apparently this one is in space. Whatever, Spielberg. Where the hell are we going to find Nazis to fight in space? Great job writing us into a corner before we even got the damn pages. And why does everybody keep talking about “the Force?” I could have sworn that was from a different movie I was in. Possibly Air Force One.

They’ve also got this guy in a monkey costume following me around in most of these scenes. But I’m only guessing that he’s a monkey, to be honest I don’t know what the fuck that thing is supposed to be. It looks like a costume somebody would buy if they were trying to trick people into thinking Bigfoot were real, and it wouldn’t work. I don’t know if the guy was hurting in there or what but he kept screaming all the time. Whenever I tried to stop filming and get some help for this guy, everyone got really annoyed, so eventually I stopped. Six days later he died from dehydration. We shot three scenes before we realized he’d died on his feet. There’s gotta be a good thirty seconds of footage in the movie of that guy standing there dead as a nail. They brought Brian Posehn in as a replacement and everything moved along smoothly from there.

I could’ve sworn that I had a whip in these movies, not a laser gun. Maybe I’m just getting old and forgetful but when the heck did they add those? Are these things supposed to take place in the future now, and if so, why am I even in them? Why is anyone casting me for action movies at all these days? I’m ready to throw my action movie star towel in, fellas. I had a good run. A great run, even. Blade Runner, Indiana Jones 1-4, Air Force One, The Witness, The Expendables 3. I had my time in the spotlight and then some.

I don’t particularly need more money, but my grandkids love the stuff. They’re always saying things like, “Grandpa Ford, when you die, are you going to leave me any money or am I just wasting my time over here?” Oh Sally, you little rapscallion! Of course I’m going to leave you money in exchange for artificial acceptance/love! I know I wasn’t there when you were born, and I demanded a paternity test before I’d even look at your mother, but I am worth a lot of cash. Isn’t that something? Oh, and I’m about to be in brand-spanking-new Indiana Jones movie called The Fifth Awakening! Pretty cool, huh?

I hear it’s coming out before Christmas so that’ll be nice. Hopefully some of my extended friends and family will pretend they liked it and I get a little hollow attention. It’s all you can really ask for at this stage in your career. A little recognition here and there, a little more attention than anyone at your age wants or needs and a whole hell of a lot of money. This new Indiana Jones is gonna bring in late ‘70s, early ‘80s Sci-fi kind of money. I don’t know much about the plot, but I do know that this princess and myself have to save a planet from something called a “Luke Skywalker.” Whatever that means. Doesn’t sound like my cup of tea.

I’m not really into any of this make-believe space opera bullshit.