By Donald Trump
I’m not here to win any elections. I’m here to burn this shitbox of a country to the ground.
There never really was anything you could do though, was there? No matter what life threw at me, I took it on the chin. This horrible misshapen lump of a body, only a few million dollars, this hair, a brain that barely even works let alone something I can lead a mass of people with, and I don’t even want to tell you about what’s going on with my penis. It’s like one of those twisty Fritos but not half as delicious. Yet here I am. On top of the world. Or at least damn near close to it. I have so much money that it would be difficult if not impossible to lose it all again. Which is great, because I’m not very smart and I’ve already done it once.
Never was a smart man. Reckon if I ever was I’d still be one now. But what do I know, I’m not a smart man. I was born rich and therefore knew everything I needed to survive from the moment I left the womb. By 9 I had already lost my first million. I took it out of my mom’s purse at the grocery store, threw it on the ground and told her I found it. Then I blew it on shares in Tortinos Pita Roles, a cheap imitation of the company I thought I was purchasing shares from, which turned out to be linked directly to funding Communist war efforts. By the time I had realized my mistake I’d not only lost the million dollars but had somehow gotten my father, whose name I used to make the trade, in trouble with the IRS. For months I would often see him sitting on the edge of his bed, openly weeping until they took him away. He was beaten to death in prison in less than a week. I found it all quite hilarious and it gave me my first taste of practical jokes.
I started pranking everyone I knew after that. I slashed my mom’s tires and etched a swastika in the hood of her car, called Immigration on most of my neighbors, and mailed a bomb to my grandma for her birthday. Unfortunately she’d never get it as it got lost in the mail and went off at a Post Office in Oakland. It’s a shame as she always loved jokes and wanted to die even more. I was addicted to causing havoc. I hate to admit it, but I loved the negative attention. Still do. That’s what brings us to the Presidential election.
The last time I tried to run for President, I didn’t take it seriously. I just thought it’d be funny. It was funny but it wasn’t as much fun as I though it’d be. I wasn’t ready to take this fake thing fake seriously, and I came back into this race more prepared. I was ready to go all the way to the fucking end just being this joke of a man. Watch my numbers plummet as I peal back the layers to reveal the jackass that I am. But everybody loved it. Not only was it accepted, it was celebrated. I said some of the worst shit imaginable, and these jackasses ate it up! At first it was funny, but lately people have been getting hurt. And now it’s fucking hilarious.
You laughed in my fucking face when I called Latinos murderers and rapists while my numbers went up. Make fun all you want, those numbers just kept climbing. Even I wasn’t prepared for the fact that these morons were ready to hear what I had to say because deep down in their dumb, white, barely-formed minds they agree with what I’m saying. They think that if we don’t let people in, it will make us safe. They let me talk them into thinking that the answer to world peace is keeping people out of our country.
They say that America is a melting pot. If that’s true, I’m the flame, and you’ve let me burn unchecked for too long. The pot is boiling over, and when it does, I’ll lead my fellow pudgy, ill-formed white males. Not because I believe in them and not because I think they’ll win, but because they’re easy to fool and I want to watch as many people die as I can. ‘Cause I’m just a weird, sick fuck and it’s the only way I can cum. And when I do, you’ll hear me laughing. Women usually get pretty creeped out but I always laugh when I cum. Only problem is that I can only cum when I’ve just convinced an entire country to eat itself alive. It’s the last thing you’ll ever hear.
Thank you all for helping me cum.