Thanks to Prince’s Autopsy Results Nation Finally Free of Opioid Addiction

prince

The heartless, soulless husks that can’t get enough of re-appropriating the lives and deaths of others for their own gains were given a win recently when news of the Prince autopsy became public and opioid addicts across the country finally realized that, if a person that has absolutely nothing to do with them could be dragged through the mud for their opioid addiction, then perhaps so too could they.

While many were suspicious of the motives for those that wouldn’t stop talking about Prince’s personal and purposefully private life and addictions in the wake of his death as just a means to draw more attention to themselves, a few people were genuinely worried about the opioid problem in America, which they’d ignored entirely until that moment and suddenly started caring immensely about for reasons that are still unclear.

Opioid addict Tim Bendis says that the news of Prince being a fellow addict has changed his outlook on life entirely, giving up the drugs cold turkey. “If this happened to Prince, I can’t imagine what would happen to me,” Bendis told us in The Trashcan offices early Friday morning, “Don’t get me wrong; I knew opioids could kill, I’m not a complete fucking idiot just because I use drugs, it just didn’t occur to me how shitty people could be about it even after you were already fucking dead. I mean this is Prince we’re talking about here, he did a lot of cool shit with his life and all folks can talk about lately was that he was a drug addict and how irresponsible it is that we wouldn’t use his addiction for our own personal and political gains. I just don’t want that to happen to me. I want to be remembered for the cool shit I did, not what I needed to take on the side to ease the horrible and constant pain of life.”

While Bendis is a popular glass blower and seller of drug-related paraphernalia in Minneapolis, his greatest fear is that his reputation would be tarnished if he were to die under the influence of drugs.

“I’m not just some drug addict, I’m also an artist, a businessman, a father, a felon and an adequate lover if I do say so myself (though no one else would). I just want to remembered for the bongs I made and not the drugs I used those bongs to take. If I can’t have that while other people respect my privacy, both before and after my death, well, I guess I’ll just have to change my ways. Not because I want to, but because you made me.”

“I’ve already been clean for 26 hours and let me tell you, I couldn’t feel better. Huh. I was hoping that saying that out loud would make me feel better, but nope. Everything is still pain and I definitely still want to die. Oh well, it’s out of my hands at this point. I’ll never have another opioid again for the rest of my life. Hopefully it won’t be too much longer now because I’m feeling like I’m going fucking crazy of here. If I try to live much longer like this I don’t know what kind of legacy I’m likely to be leaving behind. Fuck, it hurts to be alive. Nothing is worse than this. I have to go.”

Minutes after the interview, Bendis was found dead in his apartment from a self-inflicted gunshot wound. His system was clean and his life was celebrated unsullied.