I tried to do something different with this blog. I tried to bring reviews of popular fast food items to the public, but they let me down. Just like they let me down by not uprising when those bastards took my badge. Like they let me down when my step son, Barry, was gunned down in the street and they just stood there and watched. Some of them got pictures. I even saw a few of his teeth on ebay. All the terrible things you people have done to my family and I, but the cruelest thing of all? Not funding my Kickstarter.
I don’t blame any of you personally, mind you, but I saw this thing called “Shin-moo” get funded almost ten million dollars. Ten million dollars. I was asking for seven grand. I don’t even know what a “shin-moo” is and I don’t want to. If you know what it is I’ll just assume you’re some kind of pervert and cross to the other side of the street when I see you. It’s just a real slap in the face when some sort of what I assume is cow pornography gets all this money, when here I sit. A broke, 65-year-old ex-cop just trying to make an honest living telling good clean living folks the ins and outs of fast food chains such as In n’ Out. I just think I can do it anymore. Well, here I go anyway.
The Crunchwrap Supreme is one of my favorite things on this entire planet. I would rather make love to it than at least 3 of my ex-wives. When I first had the Crunchwrap, it changed my life. It was just after my Kickstarter had failed and things were looking dark. For example, my wife divorced me for, in her words, “not being man enough to raise seven thousand dollars.” So I tried to hang myself, broke the ceiling fan, knocked myself out and somehow started the house on fire. When I came to a good deal of my face had already been horribly burnt. They would later take skin from my ass and put it on my face. When I saw what it had done to my ass I had them reverse the procedure. I’d rather have a smooth ass than non-scarred face, like any blue-blooded American. Unfortunately, after removing my ass skin and returning it, neither my face or ass really looked the same. For awhile I took up wearing masks until I was asked to stop.
So there I was in a Taco Bell just two weeks after having my ass graphed onto my face then re-graphed back onto my ass. I was ready to try something new so I says to the girl behind the counter, I says, “Give me any item on your menu!” I heard several people gasp and an old woman behind me faint just at the mere idea of a man so bold. Either that or maybe it was then that they noticed that I was wearing a hockey mask and apparently some of my stitching had become lose, causing blood to pour out of the masks many, but still not nearly enough, breathing holes.
When I sat down with the Crunchwrap and took my first bite it nearly made me forget that I was now a divorced, unemployed, homeless man without a decent money maker to shake and it was likely going to be this way until the day I died, which in all likelihood was going to be soon. The diced tomatoes, the lettuce, the cheese, the crunchy taco layer right under the soft taco layer. It was everything it could be and more. So much more, and I haven’t even told you about the sour cream yet.
The sour cream tastes like something that would come out of a woman if she could ejaculate. Actually, on second thought, that sounds disgusting. The sour cream is very good, is what I’m trying to say. I actually did a little research on it and apparently, according to a reddit user by the name of “kkkatfucker911rulez″, every Taco Bell actually has their very own dairy cow in the back which they constantly inject with a slow acting poison making it so that when the cow produces milk it actually comes out as sour cream. No wonder it tastes so fresh. Who knew!
If I were to give a rating of 5 out of 5 stars to the Crunchwrap, it would be an insult. It deserves more than any human-made scale can provide. It’s better than us. Purer than us. When we are gone Crunchwraps will roam the earth, free of the restraints of humanity. Free of war and racism and all the other stuff that’s bad, like gel pens and that live-action Flintstones movie. They’ll be one with the earth and will someday meet God and He will say, “Damn, and I thought I was delicious.”
Do yourself a favor and get a Crunchwrap today.