Superman Should Have Killed Me When He Had The Chance

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By Martin Shkreli

It was only a matter of time before you brought me in. I wanted you to. If I’m going to be a super villain, I’m going to be the worst of them all. A villain that bad needs an equal counterpart, and if I can’t have Batman, Daredevil, Wonder Woman, Spider-Man, The Tick, Robin, Black Widow, Batgirl, That Guy At The Bank That’s Really Nice, Aquaman or Squirrel Girl, I’ll take Superman I guess. Whatever.

I’ve been trying to get your attention for years. First by being really rich and mean, then by being richer and meaner. At one point I even lured a few dozen children into an abandoned warehouse with promises of pizza and we watched a few episodes of Friday Night Lights but apparently that isn’t even illegal. How can that not be illegal? It sounds like it should be illegal. Someone should look into that. We met up a few times and when no Superman or even cops showed up I told the kids to tell their parents about it and the next time they came half of them brought their damn parents with. I wasn’t trying to throw a party here, I was trying to lure Superman into a never-ending battle with his intellectual equal. Parties were for winners.

Now I’m in jail and you’re out there. I guess you think you’ve already won before our little game has even started. Or maybe I’m exactly where I want to be. Where I have access to all the regular criminals who hopefully have hook-ups to the super criminals with real information on you. If I have one super natural power, Superman, it’s my networking skills. In less than six seconds I can make someone feel like I’m their best friend, sell them a novelty adult pencil sharpener and get booked on a showcase. It’s what’s gotten me where I am today. Did it help that I systematically bought medication that certain people needed very much and hiked up the prices with no regard for any human life other than my own? Sure. But it was mainly the networking.

By the time I get out of here, I’m going to meet everyone that you’ve ever crossed paths with and I’m going to know every damn thing there is to know about you, and I already know quite a bit. Pretty much everyone does, actually. Did you know that they’ve made quite a few movies, video games and comic books about you? Not only that, but they really broadcast all of your weaknesses for all of the world to see. I know you hate green rocks. It might be a specific kind of rock, I don’t really remember on the spot like this but I know it was green. Then you’ve got a weakness for magic, which is like, get in line, pal. Who doesn’t have a weakness for magic? It’s magic! Shit’s fucked up! The stuff doesn’t even adhere to the rules of nature! You’re weak to magic like I’m weak to getting my throat slit.

Then you bring me in on these fraud charges. You know, when you finally showed up to my door, I never thought it would be for this. I thought it’d be for all the horrible HIV medication stuff or those terrible things I did in the park, but not this. This is one of the least evil things I’ve ever done. I just ripped a lot of people off and to make the ones that threatened to turn me in happy, I gave them millions of dollars that weren’t mine. Is that so wrong? I don’t think it is. I did what I had to do to survive. I wasn’t about to take that kind of financial loss lying down and neither would you. I don’t lose money. I never lose anything. I’m certainly not going to start losing in this war against Superman.

So where can I get some magic green rocks?