Straight White Male Won’t Stop Talking About Straight White Males


Minneapolis – Earlier today Funk Marshall, a white male that has sex almost exclusively with women, once again started talking about “white privilege” completely unprovoked, much to the chagrin of his friends and coworkers.

While they don’t necessarily disagree with anything Mr. Marshall has to say, they are tired of him constantly making the conversation about himself and his fellow straight white males. We sat down with a close “friend” of Funk’s, Beverly Fitzgerald III, to see if she had any insight as to Funk’s character. “I guess he’s a nice guy, or at least he keeps insisting he is,” Beverly said, perhaps looking a bit uncomfortable when thinking of Funk, “It’s like, I get it, you don’t hate women. Nobody was saying you did. So unless you have something new to add to the conversation, let’s try to finish this fucking game of Jenga before 2 AM.”

Though Ms. Fitzgerald believes that while his heart is probably in the right place, or is at least trying to be, or at the VERY least trying to pretend to be, he always has to somehow bring the conversation back to him.

“It’s always ‘straight white male this’ or ‘straight white male that’ with him. It’s like all he can talk about is straight white males! It’s kind of narcissistic, really. Like the rest of us don’t know that straight white males are in charge. You’re the only ones just realizing it, and unless you’re going to just lay down and die and let us take it from here, I don’t really get why you keep bringing it up.”

“You’re like a football team that won the ’73 Superbowl and you keep going up to people at parties saying, “Say, do you remember who won the ’73 Superbowl?” Yeah, we fucking remember. It was you. It was always you. It will always be you. Now shut the fuck up about it already and let’s play another goddamn game.”

“This time? This time you’re fucking dead.”

A person would be hard-pressed to argue that white privileged is an issue, but I believe we can all agree that sloppy artists and progressive-minded dummies would be best not to bring it up all the time, as they’re going to really gum up the works when someone intelligent actually has something important to say about the whole thing. Like Noam Chomsky, that guy that played the Omar on The Wire or perhaps Stephen King.

“I’m all for being progressive and feminism and all that jazz,” Beverly said, “but I don’t need it to consume my entire life. Give me a fucking break. We’re all people. Being white and male doesn’t automatically make you a bad one, so just stop worrying and chill the fuck out for a second.”

Beverly died shortly after the interview while skiing in the Hamptons. She is survived by six children, two husbands, a goldfish and a three bargain-priced sex swings.