Sonic The Hedgehog Found Irrelevant, Dead


As any child of the ‘90s can attest, Sonic the Hedgehog used to be a big name when it came to video games. In a world where video game mascots were ruled by Mario and a group of his close personal friends, Sonic was a breath of fresh air. Until Sonic, video game characters didn’t have attitudes. They were for the most part just a bunch of silent protagonists trying to save the world from jerks because it was the right thing to do and/or they wanted to try to get some princess pussy in that creepy nice guy way that never works. Sonic wasn’t fronting, he never claimed to be a hero. He was just a dude that liked to move fast and had no qualms with anyone that didn’t get in the way of that.

That’s not to say Sonic didn’t step up to the plate when he had to. When Dr. Robotnik came to town and started making all the animals into robot slaves for some reason (probably evil), Sonic saved the day. He used his super speed to run very quickly down a series of oddly specific obstacles along hundreds and hundreds of miles of highways seemingly laid out specifically for Sonic and his friends to conquer. The group never really questioned it, considering that perhaps they were simply being paranoid. Who would go this much out of their way to ensure that our journey would have the perfect difficulty ramp-up? It seemed insane, but the good Doctor was not a sane man.

Sonic hated Robotnik and Robotnik hated him right back, but they still extended to each other professional courtesy. Robotnik may have been a genocidal murderer of both humans and animals alike, but so was just about everyone when it came right down to it. Sonic made a deal with Robotnik that if he didn’t plan anything too crazy, like blowing up the world, Sonic would just stay out of it. Unfortunately Robotnik liked to try to blow the world up pretty dang often and Sonic kept getting called back into action every single time he tried to take a nap on a nice sunny beach.

Then in 2003 the unthinkable happened; after watching yet another plan for world domination go up in smoke thanks to one blue hedgehog and his weird assortment of friends that included a Fox with two tails that somehow worked like a helicopter, an obese cat that loves fishing and an over-sexualized Bat-lady, Doctor Robotnik had enough, so he cooked up his biggest and surely final plot; after sawing the barrel of a shotgun down to a stub, he put it in his mouth and pulled the trigger. What was left of his body was mailed to his mother and his robot army was given to charity.

While you’d think that this would be the best day in Sonic’s life, the truth was that he didn’t know what to do with himself once the big R was gone. He tried taking on other super villains with large robot armies, but it was no use. Not only were the fights dull and one-sided, but they were critically panned. Before Robotnik came along, he was just a hedgehog that happened to be the fastest living creature in recorded history. After he was gone Sonic got lazy and fat and soon enough the only thing he had to keep his body in peak condition was the steroids. Eventually even those weren’t enough and he started taking uppers. Then downers. By the time he got to all-arounders his friends could barely even recognize him. Sonic knew he was letting them down, that he’d never be the Sonic he once was again, so he took matters into his own hands.

On December 15, 2015 at roughly 7:30 PM, Sonic the Hedgehog travelled to one of his favorite cliffs, got a running start and leapt into the abyss. Spending his first and final life.

He is survived by wife Amy Rose and pet turtle Dick Sniggles.