So We’re Just Going To Let This “Grinch” Creep Off Scot-free For Trying To Steal Christmas?


By An Anonymous Citizen of Whoville

I know that we’re kind of pushovers, but come on. He tried to steal Christmas. Think about how messed up that is. He didn’t even want the stuff he was stealing, he was just taking it to make people sad. That’s what a sociopath does. That’s worse than a sociopath. A sociopath just doesn’t really care about hurting people to get what they want, but they don’t actually go out of their way to hurt people. That’s what a super-villain does. Before this lunatic tried to take presents from children just for the heck of it, I didn’t believe that such a person existed in the real world. But evidently I was wrong. He’s as real as snow or hats or Christmas cheer, and he lives right there in that mountain. I for one believe that it’s our responsibility to deal with him once and for all.

There’s a whole town of us and only one of him. I get the feeling that not even that dog of his would be on his side if we marched up there to take him out. It’s not like I’m talking about hurting a citizen of Whoville, here. I’m talking about a green creep that just broke into all of our homes, while forcing his poor dog into danger I might add, because why? He felt left out? Well, if this is how you react to people celebrating a holiday with their families and not going out of their way to include you, I’d hate to see some of the messed up stuff you’ve done in the past when faced with true adversity.

I know that we Whos are generally a peaceful people, but there’s a toll for that peace. We can’t just wish for it and hope the rest of the world is going to meet us halfway. We’re going to have to fight for that peace. Hell, we may even have to kill for it. Not everyone can be reasoned with because not everyone sees reason. I used to think differently. Before that fluffy green son of a bitch came into my life questioning everything I believed in. I thought I’d heard of every kind of criminal and they all had a story, a reason that compelled them to rob or hurt others. The system had let them down in some way, or maybe life just dealt them a hand they couldn’t deal with. Whatever it was, at least it was something. But the Grinch? He’s a special kind of monster.

Most Whos will play at being monsters, but never become one. The Grinch is no Who. He’s something different. His blood bleeds cold. Thinner. Saltier. Rumor has it that he has a heart that’s three sizes too small, but I don’t buy it. Sounds like classic scapegoating to me. Just trying to drum up a little sympathy from all the Whos that love a misunderstood bad boy. Even if he did have a heart that was three sizes too small, hearts don’t work that way. The size of your heart has nothing to do with how much compassion you have for your fellow Who. Come on Whos, you’re smarter than that.

I know that we no longer practice capital punishment, the Grinch apologized and we all had a Merry Christmas and everything, but it would be wildly irresponsible to just close the book on this guy. I don’t even think he’s paying taxes up there. And he did kind of break into all of our homes. If that’s not illegal as all hell, I don’t know what is. The bottom line is that I just don’t feel safe living below a mountain where that crazy green bastard can just stroll down whenever he wants, break into my house and do whatever the hell he wants as long as we’ve all agreed he learned a valuable lesson in the end. We all have one shot in this world, and I’m sorry to say that he blew it. The only way I’m going to feel safe about keeping my family in Whoville is if we march up that mountain and put this cold-hearted bastard out of his own misery and ours. Is that too much to ask? Is it such a slippery slope to execute some green monster that violated each and every one of our homes, stole our children’s presents and our holiday dinners?

We’re just talking about the death of one green terrorist to give the entirety of Whoville a little peace of mind. Is that so crazy? Does it make us compassionate or stupid to let him live free? We need to show the rest of the world what happens when you fuck with Whoville to ensure that no one fucks with Whoville again. Killing the Grinch will save lives in the long run. We’d be celebrated as the heroes we are.

And while we’re at it we should probably round up anyone that looks like him just to be safe.