Science Concludes That We Will Run Out of Anti-Hillary Articles Within Our Lifetime



We should have seen this coming…In the past 24 months,  Americans have guzzled more Anti-Hillary Clinton articles than in the previous 20 years combined, and now it appears a shortage is imminent.

“These articles are not an infinite resource…” Read a heavily downvoted comment on Reddit. “…There are only so many things to write about one person, no matter how badly we want other people to hate her.”

One solution might be to start rationing our Op-Eds about the email scandal, but they’ve been fueling our nation for so long now, that slowing down is near impossible. Another is to simply reread the older Anti-Hillary articles. When I suggested this to my  friend, Brad, on Facebook, I was informed that “Nobody wants to reread old articles that didn’t do anything no matter how viral they went. We want these new articles to go viral and do something!”

This is not a new problem. When we started running low before, we dug even deeper into Mrs. Clinton’s past, turned over every stone in her political career, then threw them at people who called us “sexist”.  We’ve even tried synthesizing scandals to write about.  But the writing’s on the wall, and it’s nothing we haven’t read about Clinton a dozen times before.

We reached out to a particularly dejected looking man at a gas station we stopped at on our way back to the office yesterday, and he said: “I just can’t believe my children will never know what it’s like to wake up in the morning, find a new article, and believe, even for a moment, that this is the one that will nail her.”