Rogue One: I Haven’t Enjoyed A Star Wars Movie This Much Since I Learned How To Cum


When I was a kid with a floppy little kid dick, I loved Star Wars more than anything. They were amazing fantasy stories, set in a boner free world, like mine, and I ate it up. Now that I’m a jaded, cumming adult, I will always have strong feeling of nostalgia (a fixation on things from before first committing the sin of cumming) for the Star Wars trilogy.

However, my original, totally flaccid sense of wonder has never been fully recaptured until now. The prequel trilogy certainly didn’t do it for me. I shot my first load onto my pillow about a week before Phantom Menace came out, and it just wasn’t the same. The whole prequel trilogy was just so lifeless and boring, I was just like “Guys, I could be cumming right now, it’s gonna take more than some CGI to hold my attention. This is dumb and for little kids!” Attack Of The Clones and Revenge Of The Sith didn’t hold up to my overriding need for climax, either.


“I’d rather ejaculate than watch Jar Jar.” – Teen Me

The less said about the Special Edition DVDs, and how many times I turned them off to masturbate during that Jabba the Hutt scene, the better.

Last year, The Force Awakens almost got it right. For most of the movie, I sat there, limp dicked and loving my little cartoon space ships just like when I was a kid. But, toward the end, it just started feeling like a rehash. I was like “I’m a grown man with a wife to cum in. Give me something new!”

But this time, they finally got it right. It takes the a more adult tone. Aside from a few minor problems, I was like “I can produce ejaculate, but I still like this, because it’s scary!”

As Rogue One reached it’s thrilling third act, I sat there in the theater in gleeful awe. My dick felt useless and small – Star Wars is back!