Report: Nintendo to Kill Off Yoshi


Though the character has become almost synonymous with the Super Mario brand, Nintendo has today announced plans to kill off the character in an attempt to ground the Mushroom Kingdom.

While many will see this as a cheap marketing ploy to get older generations interested in the Mario again, Nintendo promises that this won’t be a cheap death by any means. Shigeru Miyamoto, creator of Super Mario, said that he had always had plans to kill the character. “Originally, Super Mario World was supposed to end with Mario jumping from Yoshi, turning around and, with a single tear in his eye, putting him down with a rifle he had stuffed down one of his pant legs. Then throwing his body into a hell pit as he couldn’t let Yoshi live considering some of the things he’d seen Mario do. After some focus testing, Nintendo found that people grew to love the Yoshi character and didn’t want to see him pointlessly killed at the end of the game. So Nintendo made me change it.”

That wasn’t all that Miyamoto would be forced to change, however, since he was already hard at work on Yoshi’s Island, the follow-up to Super Mario World. “The only problem was that in the Yoshi’s Island I was making, it started when Mario casts Yoshi aside and you have to survive the hell pit he threw your body into, scared and alone. You’ve survived the gunshot, but just barely. A strong breeze can bring you down for most of the game. I’ve still got some of the drawings, actually.” Mr. Miyomoto took us into a room that was full of locked drawers. After fumbling through a very large keychain he finds the key he was looking for, opens a drawer and produces several crude drawings of what turned out to be a Yoshi being tortured to death.

“The game was going to end with Yoshi being caught by some bad dudes and they start torturing him, asking him where Mario is but he won’t give him up. He’s too good a dude for that, even after Mario was a real dick throwing him into a hell pit like that. Then you play one final level as Mario coming to save Yoshi after he realizes that it was lame of him to throw him into hell, but Mario only gets there in time to watch Yoshi die. It was brutal. They made me clean it up and make it a game about throwing eggs at clouds or some shit. I don’t know, I told them to go fuck themselves and I went back to making cool shit like Super Metroid.” said Mr. Miyomoto, when asked if he would like to add anything quick.

“I still remember when I came up with Dinosaur Island or whatever it was called for Super Mario World. I was like, ‘hey guys, I’m gonna make a Mario with dinosaurs’, and they were like ‘fuck you’ and I was like ‘uh no fuck you’ and here we are.”

The character is to be killed off this fall in Paper Mario: Color Splash when several members of The Kupa Klub (a Nintendo version of the Hell’s Angels) confuse him for a cop and drag him behind their motorcycles for 16 miles before he stops screaming. 22 before he dies. 53 before they notice that there isn’t anything left of him.

So don’t forget to pick up Paper Mario: Color Splash for the Wii U this fall!