Rejected Letters to Penthouse Vol. 001

penthouse

Dear Penthouse,

My wife and I have been together for many years and recently we wanted to try and spice things up a little bit when it came to the mutual business we conduct between the sheets, if you get my meaning. She had always complained that I was never spontaneous enough so one day I came home from work early to surprise her. Much to MY surprise, however, she must have somehow known that I’d be coming home from work early and was already waiting for me naked sprawled across the pool table in the rec room, covered in sweat like she’d been working out, just the way she knew I liked it.

We had sex on the pool table. It wasn’t anything special though I do like pool so it was nice to be able to get in a quick game when we were done. My wife kept darting her eyes over to the closet during all of this, which I thought to mean she was looking to get dressed but if she wasn’t going to say it out loud I certainly wasn’t going to.

I went to the kitchen for water and noticed a man’s pants, underwear, shirt, car keys, wallet, and what appeared to be a large double-sided dildo. I asked my wife about it, who was in the closet speaking to someone on the phone when I returned, with a bit of anger in my voice I’m ashamed now to admit, and she told me that the plumber came by to fix the sink, demonstrating that what I thought was a double-ended dildo was in fact an anti-clogging device, and next thing she knew he had disappeared without any of his clothes, tools or belongings.

Now at this point a lot of people would think that they were being lied to, but as a devout Christian I knew what the ascension was when I saw it and it looks like we didn’t make the cut. I cursed God and swore that if we weren’t going to get into Heaven, we were sure as heck going to Hell with some style. So went onto the front lawn and fucked eachother in the ass with that anti-clogging device like there was no tomorrow, as we knew there wouldn’t be.

Tomorrow did come, though, and there’s no going back for us.

See you all in Hell.

Sincerely,

Chris B.

 

Dear Penthouse,

I never thought this would happen to me but I was at the dentist yesterday and while the hygienist was helping me get situated in the chair her breast distinctly brushed against my shoulder. She didn’t acknowledge it so I just let it go. I’m not one of those guys that thinks that every woman wants to fuck them. Then, just twenty minutes later, she does it again. At this point I know something is up. Brushing up against me once, that could be an accident, sure, but doing it twice? Not even saying anything to me about it? Almost as if she meant to.

I knew I had to get out of there as fast as I can if I wanted my marriage to remain pure. I excused myself before the dentist was even able to see me, claiming I’d gotten a text from a friend about a popular band that was playing that afternoon. Surely nobody believed my story, especially since, and I didn’t realize this until I got to my car, that my dick was as hard an incredibly soft diamond. The bicycle shorts weren’t doing me any favors, either, so I knew I had to get home as soon as possible and change into some baggier pants.

When I got home I found that my wife had left a note letting me know she’d gone to the store with the kids. I figured that this would be the perfect time to take care of my problem so I stepped into the den and got down to business. I pulled up a couple pictures of Murphy Brown and before I knew it the situation had resolved itself. Unfortunately I fell asleep immediately afterward and woke to my wife standing in front of me with an armful of groceries next to our two daughters with a screensaver of our oldest (away at college) plastered on the computer screen in front of me. I of course had my pants down, my shirt pulled up and my own seed dripping down me onto the floor.

Which brings me to now. I’m in the garage with a gun in my mouth and the car running just in case I don’t have the guts to take the man’s way out, while my wife bangs on the door telling me that it’s going to be okay, that I just need to get help. I tell her I’ve already got all the help I’m ever going to need.

So I write this letter and load “help” into the chamber.

Sincerely,

Horny in Cincinnati

 

Dear Penthouse,

I know you usually receive these fanciful tales of perfect, beautiful acts of love but you I both know that isn’t real. Real sex isn’t perfect and it’s rarely ever anything close to beautiful. It’s a hot sticky mess where nobody gets theirs and everyone goes home disappointed. I’m here to tell you one of those stories. The story of the worst blowjob I’ve ever gotten.

One night I got a text from the girl I was seeing that she bought some handcuffs and she wanted me to come over. That wasn’t really my thing, so I told her I was going to stay in and wash my hair. She didn’t buy it. She shows up at my house with the damn handcuffs and wants to do whatever it is you do with handcuffs there. I tell her I can’t come to the door because my hair was full of suds and she barges in anyway and I’ve gotta explain the dry hair. I can’t so I agree to the damn handcuffs just to shut her up.

The girl I was seeing at the time, Samantha we’ll call her, I wasn’t really into and, as far as I knew, wasn’t really into me. We’d spend the night at the other’s house once or twice a week and never really talked other than that. One of those deals. I wouldn’t have really called her a girlfriend so I didn’t feel like I was doing anything wrong in seeing other people. I would find out later that night that she felt differently.

After she had me handcuffed naked to a chair she put her mouth on my penis, all the way down to the base and she bit down hard enough to draw blood. She asked if I liked it and I told her no, I very much did not like that. She laughed, said: “Good.” Then she left the room. She came back with a large knife and without another word cut it off, testicles and all.

I screamed as loud as I could, sure I was going to die and just wanting the universe to hear me one last time. While the universe continued uncaring, the neighbors did hear my scream and called the police. While they were fast enough to stop the bleeding they did not make it in time to stop her from eating my genitals in front of me after heating them up in my toaster oven. I begged her to use a cookie sheet but she didn’t, effectively ruining my brand new toaster oven.

That was the worst blowjob I’ve ever had.

Sincerely,

David Duchovny