A meaningful friendship with Hollywood’s greatest actor has been a dream of mine since I was six years old when I first saw Jeremiah Montgomery Piven as the head writer of the fictional Larry Sanders Show. I hadn’t much cared for The Larry Sanders Show itself, it was a bit too formulaic for my tastes, but it was worth it just to catch a few glimpses of J-Piv. If you’d asked me then what it was about him, I wouldn’t have known what to say. I’ve grown since then, however, and now I’m more than ready to tell people exactly why JayPee and I would really hit it off.
1) We Both Consume Nutrients to Survive
Contrary to popular belief, Jeremy Piven is human. That may come as a shock to some as his skills as an actor seem otherworldly, but it’s a common fact in Hollywood. That means that both JePi and I have to eat food and drink liquids occasionally to keep our vessels from expiring. Itwould be the perfect opportunity for us to talk about our lives so far, our goals for the future and how hot we both think Ari Gold is while sitting down in a restaurant and giving our bodies what they so rudely demand. I would of course let Jeremy order for me as a sign of respect.
2) We Both Like Going to the Movies
If there’s one thing I like in this world, it’s draping another man’s foreskin over my pinky and wriggling it around a little until you get that little bit of precum that sort of smells like a swimming pool. If there’s two things I like in this world, it’s draping another man’s foreskin over my pinky and wriggling it around a little until you get that little bit of precum that sort of smells like a swimming pool and moving picture shows. How do I know that The Pivenator and I share a love of the cinema? First of all, Jermster has been in a few movies himself. Surely he saw at least a cut of the film or caught a glimpse of the dailies while on the set of PCU or Smokin’ Aces and developed a taste for them. I like all kinds of movies; action, drama, comedy, snuff, animated, re-animated, Adam Sandler, pornographic and homemade just to name a few. So no matter what JP wants to watch, I’m going to be game. Not only am I going to pay really close attention to the movie, but I’ll take mental notes throughout in anticipation of an intellectual conversation we will most likely have in the parking lot. We’re mostly agree, but nitpick each other to death over trivial aspect of the film like old friends.
3) We Both Killed A Man in the Desert and Buried Him Together, Swearing to Never Speak of It Again
I’m not one hundred percent sure of the statute of limitations on this are up so I’m going to have to be a little vague here. Back in 2011, around 9:30 A.M. 33 miles southwest of Reno, Nevada the Pivster and I found ourselves in a real pickle. After a hilarious series of crazy circumstances, J-Man and I found ourselves needing the same man dead at the same time in the same desert. To some this may make it seem like I’ve already achieved my dream of hanging out with Jeremy Piven, but we didn’t get any downtime to chill and really get to know each other. It was all business, head nods and leaving in different cars in separate directions.
4) We Both Use Twitter
This one might take a little explanation to those of you not invited to use this exclusive social game. Twitter is a game in which you need to collect enough bots to earn yourself a blue checkmark. While Mr. Piven earned his checkmark with relative and obvious ease, I have unfortunately still been unable to earn mine. Even with the large gap in our skills of the game, however, I hope that our shared love of it will be a real conversation starter. Something like, “Hey, I noticed you use Twitter!” and he would say, “Yeah, totally!” This would be followed by exchanging phone numbers and attending each other’s weddings as best man.
5) Neither of Us Know How to Love Ourselves, Therefore Are Unequipped to Truly Love Another
Love is a tricky thing. It’s both something you give a receive, though if any thought goes into either it’s artificial and creepy. No two people know this better than JP and myself. I may not know Jeremy’s personal journey personally, but I’d be willing to venture a guess that it’s almost identical to my own. He probably grew up in a small, conservative Minnesota town full of people that he would rather never run across for as long as he lives. He’s probably made a series of close friendships in his life but found his depression forcing him to take a step back and stew in his self-imposed isolation no matter what it did to his mental well-being. Depression doesn’t care about us, depression tells us that we’re too good for everyone while at the same time telling us we aren’t good enough for anyone. It finds something wrong with everyone you know and it makes their love for you something toxic. “Why do they like me?” Jeremy and I will often ask ourselves, and the answer is always, “Because they’re boring, stupid or they want something from me.” and we will lose them, slowly but surely. Perhaps we could go in together on a therapist or talk about how often we fantasize about suicide over a cookie at Starbucks.
6) We Share the Same Parents
This one is a little thin, as family means very little to Jeremy Piven and myself, but for the first 18 years of our lives we grew up across the hall from each other. It would have been nice if we could have had a chance to hang out back then, but we were both busy with sports and masturbating at the time. When Jeremy moved out, changed his name, got plastic surgery and traveled back in timetwenty years I took it as a hint that he didn’t really want to chill.
Even so, I think that if he were to give it a shot we would really hit it off.