Radical Christian Terrorists Tired of Being Overshadowed by Radical Islamic Terrorists


Now that radical Islamic terrorism is all the rage, some radical Christian terrorists are starting to feel like the world isn’t taking them seriously, leading to several Christian terrorist leaders to write an op-ed piece today reassuring the world that while they may not be the “in” terrorist group, they’re still out there doing as much damage as they possibly can.

The statement reads as follows:

Hey gang,

First of all, we were here first.

I know that sounds childish and I know that culture is an ebbing and flowing thing and that your feeble little non-white non-Christian minds have a problem grasping complex concepts, like the idea of there being more than one kind of boogie man out there, but we’re here to tell you that we are still in full force. We may not cause terror as loudly and stupidly as we have in the past or many lesser groups of terrorists do to this day, but we’re out there striking fear into the hearts of those that were born differently just like anybody else. Only we’re actually good at it.

Are we blowing up abortion clinics like we used to? Or lynching people in the public eye? No, of course not. Do you know why? Because we’re not a bunch of neanderthals (not that we believe neanderthals existed). We gave up those practices 5, 10 years ago like civilized people. Our brand of terrorism has become subtle, less easily defined. We get out there and we start television shows, radio stations, popular chicken sandwich-based restaurants and even get the whitest guy on the face of the planet to become the President, who then in turn spits in our face by calling these radical Islamic terrorism the greatest threat this nation faces. Thanks a lot, jackass, we put you into office and this is how you repay us? By stabbing us in the back to our faces? No, I don’t think so.

Terror is about more than cutting off a few heads here and there or driving a car on the sidewalk. Terror is about instilling in people a sense of “less than” that they will carry with them every day. They may not agree with us. Hell, it’d be fucked up if they did, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect them. Those “hurt feelings” we pretend don’t mean anything? That’s the most important tool we have. It ensures that those that get less than everyone else feel like they deserve less than. It means that when they work their asses off all day and wake up again poor tomorrow, they won’t be surprised. They won’t be angry. They’ll be simply happy to be alive.

Now that? That’s terror. That’s what we do. What, you killed a couple journalists that were poking their noses where they don’t belong and now the whole world is on a manhunt for you and yours? Great job. You really know how to play the long con. You’ll never even make it to the play-offs with that shit.

You’re amateurs. We’re goddamn professionals. We’re in it to win it. You’re the minor leagues and you’ll never know what it’s like to rule the world with nothing but manufactured hate on your lips and tiny little tootsie roll in your pants.

This world is ours. Get out of it. But, also, please respect us because it hurts our feelings when you don’t.


The Christian Right

P.S. Does anyone know who farted?