WASHINGTON – Yet another wrinkle in the Russian hacking scandal has come to light today, as sources have confirmed that Vladmir Putin promised Donald Trump one night with early 2000s Russian pop duo TATU, in exchange for his silence on the matter. Despite evidence from the FBI, NSA, and CIA claiming Russians hacked into the DNC to influence the 2016 election, but for reasons unclear until now, president-elect Trump has refused to accept their findings.
“I am sure Russia had nothing to do with it,” said Mr. Trump. “Putin is a man of his word, believe me.” Mr. Trump then stared off into the distance and licked his lips. “Believe me,” He reiterated.
A source from the NSA describes a secret email from Vladmir Putin to President-Elect Trump as follows. “You like girls, yes? We have two here for you named TATU. They sing you nice song. After that, who knows? No questions. Sounds fun, yes?” The email also included a link to the 2002 music video for “All The Things She Said”.
When asked about the incident, the president elect was surprisingly forthcoming. “TATU? They’re the lesbo school girls from Russia, right? Yeah, I boned them. Big league.” said Trump. “I accepted sex from them as a bribe.” Trump’s press secretary Sean Spicer later clarified that the president elect meant this metaphorically. Trump then tweeted the following:
While admitting that it was “Less than ideal”, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell stated, “I hardly think international pop star sex bribes are what the American people care about right now.”
Speaker Paul Ryan seemed confused. “Why would he want to hang out with TATU? I’d understand if it was Tool, they rock! TATU sucks.” After an aide whispered in his ear for a few minutes, Ryan added, “But… but he’s married! He can’t… Aw jeez, this guy!”
CIA director John O Brennan was more pragmatic. “We cannot afford to fall behind the Russians in early 2000s pop star sex bribery. I never thought I’d say this, but I am calling on Vanessa Carlton and Kelly Clarkson to come forward and sleep with our president, in order to make him believe our reports. I guess that’s just how the world is now.”