Petition Actually Works

capitol building

For the first time in recorded history, a petition worked earlier this morning. It was a surprise to the woman who started the petition. “If I knew it was gonna work, I might have asked for more,” said Betty Polio, who petitioned the government to get eleven snakes. “I was jealous my neighbor was bragging about his ten snakes and I wanted to have more out of spite. Turns out no stores will just give you free snakes, but I did find this thing called a petition and I figured, why not?”

Although guaranteed by the First Amendment of the United States Constitution, petitions have never been guaranteed to actually work. Before it was a guaranteed right, most people in the American colonies had never heard of anything like it. As John Adams famously said, “What’s a petition?” And as William Whipple less famously said, “It doesn’t matter. It’s America. You can do it.” Then founding fathers lit off firecrackers in an alley behind Ben Franklin’s sex laboratory.

Polio didn’t know any of that when she petitioned the government. “No. I didn’t know any of that stuff. I just asked my librarian how to get snakes, and after an hour or two of trying to get through to her, I just gave up. I mean, how can you get a job at the post office if you don’t know how to give me snakes? Well anyway, eventually she told me about this thing called a petition and showed me how to do one on this thing called a computer.”

According to the Obama Administration, there have been 8.9 million petitions created on their petition website which exists and is real. Graehem Emahema, who has made the vast majority of them, said, “I keep making these petitions and nothing happens. I mean, come on. It’s in the Constitution!” Most of the others were created by Gertrude Oldlidy, a grandmother of eighteen mice. When asked why she creates so many petitions she said, “Mostly I just want to be able to be heard. Or pretend I’m being heard. Either way, no biggie.”

But when you just got eleven snakes, you don’t have to pretend. According to Polio, “That’ll show Larry, always bragging about his ten snakes. I have eleven. That’s way more snakes than ten snakes. I mean, can you believe it? I did a petition for eleven snakes and I got eleven snakes. It worked. And all I had to do was find a snake and steal Larry’s snakes.”