Minneapolis, MN – The 4th of July is usually a time for celebration in America, but for the Johanson family and the future of the country as a whole, the 4th of July will mean something very different from this day forward. Astrophysicist Alec Johanson, 43, was killed today while trying to fire a roman candle out of his anus while simultaneously in-taking a large amount of alcohol being poured into his mouth via a homemade funnel. While the family was unsure at the time whether it was the beer or the roman candle that killed him, the autopsy showed that he in fact died from drowning, severe rectal bleeding and third degree burns at roughly the same time. Alec’s work in the field of astrophysics will be important for years to come, but we will never know what he could have accomplished if only this terrible tragedy could have been avoided, as he was leading the field at the time of his death. According the sources, the deceased last words were, “Oh God, I think I put it in backwards. Jesus Christ, stop pouring this shit in my face! I can’t breath! I CAN’T BRE–” followed by unintelligible gurgling. He leaves behind 7 children, 4 wives and a white hooded outfit found at the back of his closet hidden behind a wooden panel.