Oh for the Love of-, Why Are You Idiots Still Listening to Us!?

george-washingtonBy George Washington

We’re dead! We have been for decades! Get the fuck over it already!

We wouldn’t know how the world works today IF we were still alive, let alone the fact that we’ve been dead for hundreds of years. We barely even knew how the world worked then! The only reason we even got a country out of that whole mess was because the British army didn’t know about hiding in trees or piles of leaves. They also wore those bright red coats. God, they were dumb. Or maybe they just had a little class when it came to murder, who knows? We were just a bunch of punk kids back then that wanted something for nothing. We didn’t know how to run a country but we tried our best. When we made the Constitution we even included that part where you guys get to change stuff because we knew we didn’t know what the fuck we were doing. So why don’t you use it every once in awhile?

How about taking a look at the whole “right to bear arms” thing? That was a little fucked up even back then. A lot of the other guys were against it, but me and Tommy J really pushed it hard, which I regret now. We liked guns and we didn’t trust the government, what can I say? But that doesn’t mean we were right. If we’d left that meeting and within a few months there were 60 mass shootings, we’d probably have a few revisions to make. I mean, I know this is probably even a cliche point to even bring up, but we had fucking slaves. That is maybe the most messed up thing anyone could ever do in the entire history of mankind, and to be honest we kind of knew it was messed up. We were pretty awful people, really. So stop fucking listening to us.

We weren’t even smart for back then, for Christ’s sake. You know why John Hancock’s signature is drawn so largely? Because he shoved a quill up his urethra and signed it with his cock. Ben Franklin fucked his way through every slave shack in a twenty mile radius and you wanna know the real reason the American flag has stars on it? Because Betsy Ross’ first flag, just a bunch of red and white stripes, was so shitty that we kicked the living shit out of her and she started seeing stars. Never stopped seeing them, in fact. Pretty messed up, right? Probably why I’m in Hell. That and helping to facilitate a genocide. They don’t tell us why we’re here specifically, which is probably part of the punishment but honestly it doesn’t bother me as much as a lot of the others. What good would it do me to know? I did a lot of bad things. But it was a time when these things were more acceptable. So what’s your excuse?

How do you see all of these gun deaths and not take a serious look into gun control? The further this country gets from its founding the further it slides into decay. The world is a different place than it used to be. You don’t have to hunt for food, and why would you? You think that shit’s fun? Murdering animals, skinning and cooking them? To each their own, but we did that shit because we had to, not because we got our jollies out of it. We didn’t see a cute little bunny and say, “Oh boy, wouldn’t it be fun to knock his brains into the snow?” No. We were thinking, “Oh boy, wouldn’t it be fun to eat this week?” We didn’t have grocery stores and processing plants and our government was a fucking joke, even we, the people that put it together, knew that. The public knew it, too, so we knew that the only way they were even going to give us a shot was if we said, “Hey, if we suck you can just kill us!” But you guys should have taken that shit out a long ass time ago. Maybe right around the time semi-automatic weapons became readily available?

Would gun control stop every shooting? No, of course not. That doesn’t mean you don’t try to stop the ones you can. Ol’ Abe Lincoln abolished slavery. Did that stop white people from treating black people as less than? Of course not, but if you think that was a step in the wrong direction well I just don’t know what to tell you.

I was long dead by the time Lincoln did that, by the way. Maybe the biggest, most positive change ever made to this country and it was only a few decades after its inception. Lincoln was willing to leave us old timers be and make sweeping changes to the way this country treated it’s citizens. What does that say about you? About the way things are going? The fact that you spend more time worrying about people from other countries attacking you when it’s almost always your own. When are you going to realize that the most efficient way to keep your people safe is to get your house in order?

When Americans are dying you do what you can to stop that, possibly even at the cost of some of your liberties, but that’s just how the government works sometimes. I know it sucks but it just has to be. You already aren’t allowed to own a lot of things, what’s different about guns? What’s more dangerous about cocaine than a bullet doesn’t trump? I’d really like to know. If you don’t have an answer for that I think you’ve been asking yourself the wrong questions. Take care of it, dummies. I’m tired of reading about this shit in the Hell Newspaper. Yeah, that’s what they call it down here. We don’t even get fun pun-y newspaper names.

Even I can see what the problem is here, and I’m fucking dumb. I was dumb then and I’m dumber and older now, so figure it out. Stop worshiping us. We were dumb jerks. This is the future. It’s supposed to be better here.

Oh, and all the wars? Get out of here with all those wars. Knock that shit off.


  • Newt

    Not amusing in the Fing least

  • Paul Joe G

    Might want to rethink the whole Bill of Rights thing anyway. I mean yeah, the 2A is letting assholes have guns, but the 1A is letting assholes rile up other assholes with their free speech and that whole “freedom of religion thing” is causing us to have to deal with crazy muslims and Westborough baptists. Shit, that damn 4th amendment gave those assholes the privacy they needed to pull off 9/11! Just shit can all of it and give me me dictator that says stuff that makes me feel good!