Obama’s White House Gears Up For Most Depressing Friendsgiving Ever


There hasn’t been much to celebrate in Obama’s White House as of late, but that doesn’t mean they’re going to forego one of the country’s most iconic holidays just because of an overwhelming sense of dread.

After assigning Biden to un-canning the cranberries, Obama, Michelle, those kids that are always hanging out with them, Hillary Clinton, John Kerry and some dude named Ashton gathered in the kitchen to make what was possibly the final Thanksgiving meal prepared in the White House before the “cleansing.”

The mood may have been dour, but the gang put together what was supposed to be the best Thanksgiving meal they’d ever made, excluding the cranberries that seemed to be covered in cat hair. As Obama cut the turkey with his ceremonial carving knife one final time, the staff looked on with a desperate, solitary despair. All lost in their own heads while most likely thinking generally the same thing; that all the good they had done with their efforts would soon be undone by a maniac and his racist, sexist and very anti-progress Cabinet.

As Obama cut the turkey, however, is screamed. Apparently in all the hubbub over the country dying a slow (well, fast) death, someone had forgotten to garnish, cook, or kill the turkey. The scream didn’t sound like that of a turkey, however, it was louder, clearer. Human. Normally the sound would have sent everyone out of the room, screaming in kind, but they didn’t run. They just watched. They watched as Obama continued to cut into the still-living animal and they offered their plates for the sacrifice as if nothing were wrong.

They ate the still-living tissue with the closest approximation to smiles they could muster, cleaned their plates and sat down to watch the Thanksgiving Day parade for a few minutes before ultimately spending the next hour and a half looking at their phones.