NYPD Homicide Unit Announces Several Rare Pokemon at Bottom of Hudson River


New York, NY – Considering the current success of the new mobile phone game, Pokemon GO, the police department, and specifically the Homicide Unit, have come out publicly to approve of the game, citing that it’s a great way to distract children from sex, drugs and more mentally taxing games like Mario Paint or the menu screen.

The original press release reads:

Hey kids!

Do you love rare Pokemon? Of course you do! Who doesn’t!? The only problem is I never know where the darn things are! I’m over here catching Pidgey’s all day and I haven’t seen a Meowth once! At least that WAS the case before I got this hot tip about the Hudson River. Now, apparently, if you look all along the water until you see a Pokemon pretending to be a sleeping person you just have to dial 911, say, “I got a Pokemon in the Hudson River!” and wait there until we come, you’ll get your favorite Pokemon!

Sound too good to be true? Can’t hurt to try!

Chert Marrit, NYPD

Many have condemned the police department, claiming that the call for children to go outside looking for Pokemon specifically in the Hudson River has little to do with keeping them off drugs and more to do with doing their jobs for them. When confronted with these comments, Chert Marrit put out a second press release:

Wow guys. Wow.

I don’t know who these accusations make look worse; you or me. You for thinking something so low of a fellow human being, an officer of the law, or does it reflect worse on my character? That you could possibly think me this monster at all must say something about me. I’m a pretty good guy, though. One time, I’ll admit, I crushed a hamster’s skull just to see if it could make me feel something (it didn’t) but that’s really the worst thing I’ve ever done. I’m certainly not going to trick a bunch of kids into looking for dead bodies in the river. That would be incredibly dangerous not only for the children but probably even the river. Who knows where those kids have been? I would never suggest that children should get anywhere near the Hudson River unless some sick-ass Pokemon are at stake.

You aren’t going to stop kids from finding out about this stuff. I found my first body when I was 6 months old and I turned out just…

Chert Marrit, NYPD

As of the writing of this article, children have been excitedly catching Pokemon for hours and have already found a Bulbasaur, a Mewtwo and the bodies of a 3 young boys locked in a steel barrel and sunk to the bottom of the river with a cinder block.

  • http://dcia.us Carl Mullan

    Man, that’s funny stuff. Loving it.