How to Not Quit Smoking in 5 Easy Steps

6518316395_50e339124b_bWith all of these ads out there encouraging people to quit smoking, how could someone ever be expected to keep at it? Well, we here at The Trashcan would like to help you out and keep you smoking a couple packs a day. Let’s take a bite out of big anti-tobacco!

1) Keep buying cigarettes.

This may seem obvious but many people who are told to quit smoking will cease buying cigarettes. Then, when they want one, there isn’t a single smoke to be found! If only they’d thought to have some on hand for when they wanted one…

Try this: Go to the store and buy two cartons of your brand of smokes. Stick ’em in the freezer. Then, no matter how hard you might try to quit, you’ll know you’ve got plenty of backup to help you beat the cravings the only real way there is, by having a god damned cigarette.

We know that many smokers are poor, so buying in cartons isn’t always an option. We also know that generic brands are gross. You deserve the smooth, delicious taste of a Newport, Camel, or even an American Spirit in a yellow pack. (Are those lights? Mediums? Nobody knows, not even the manufacturer.) While our amazing and completely lawful website absolutely can not condone illegal activities such as armed robbery, burglary, or even wire fraud, we’d be lying if we said that these things don’t exist and that even an idiot can do them without getting caught.

2) Recognize that quitting will bring on a shit ton of negative emotions that you do not want to deal with.

My friend quit smoking, recently. He was usually a pretty laid back guy who was fun to be around and wasn’t afraid to make himself look silly if he thought it would put a smile on your face. He’s not like that, anymore.

I watched him as he made a tray of nachos at his place. He pulled them out of the oven and looked puzzled. “Why isn’t the cheese melting right?” he pondered. Turns out, he accidentally bought reduced fat cheese. What happened next was terrifying, heartbreaking, and hilarious.

He flipped the nacho pan the way a child would rage quit a game of checkers, peppering the stove top with corn chips and partially melted, reduced fat cheese. He picked up the empty bag of reduced fat cheese and began to scream at it. He cursed the world that created a market for reduced fat cheese, a product he believed was not any healthier for you than regular cheese and expressed a desire to murder the creator of such a product. He then went to the refrigerator, pulled out an unused, unopened bag of the offending cheese product, slammed it onto the counter, and began to pummel it with his fists as tears began welling up in his bloodshot eyes.

So, yeah. Quit smoking and nachos will make you angry.

3) You’ve had a rough day. How about a smoke break?

Go ahead and tell me this isn’t the best five minutes of your day. You fucking can’t. You think you’re gonna give this up? Fat chance, asshole.

4) What else are you gonna do after having coffee, food, or blowing your load?

You don’t eat delicious Hydrox cookies without a glass of milk and you most certainly don’t half-heartedly pump your way to climaxing inside your long suffering partner without lighting up a smoke afterward.

When was the last time you took a few years off of your life with a belt bustin’ trip to Old Country Buffet and, when you were done making the staff cry with your grotesque intake of prime rib and soft serve ice cream, thought to yourself “Man, what a meal! I’m glad I don’t smoke!”? Never. You’ve never had that thought. Not even when you were a child with ideals not yet shattered by the harsh and awesome realities of adulthood.

Face it, tiger. You don’t want a cigarette when you’re making sweet, sweet love to your morning cup of coffee. You fucking need one. You need that smoke to feel complete. Anything less makes you a shadow of the person you want to be and you can’t have that. Not today. Today’s the day they fire Gary for embezzling and you get that sweaty, philandering, ass grabbing motherfucker’s office.

5) Realize that we’re all gonna die someday.

Fuck it. You wanna live forever? Well, it ain’t gonna happen. In fact, your days are seriously numbered. Go ahead and quit smoking if you want to spend what precious little time remains in a horrid state of panic, irritation, and general unease. James Dean didn’t die of lung cancer, ya know. Stop being dumb and go get a pack of Marlboro in the flip-top box.

Light up a stogie, look like a movie star, and don’t take no lip off no one. It’s your life, don’t let the quitters tell you how to live it.