WASHINGTON, DC- In yet another blunder that’s sure to get someone close to Kim Jong-un killed, North Korea has once again launched a missile that wasn’t even fucking close to taking out a chunk of the American heartland.
Many news outlets have reported that this missile was never intended to hit the United States but was instead a test-run, but some Americans have their doubts.
One Ohio resident, Buck Whettle, said to USA Today, “We supposed to be afraid of that piddly shit?” Whettle then deep-throated half of his corndog, bit into it, and swallowed everything, stick and all, in one gulp. “They say it was just a test, but who’s gonna buy that? Not Buck Whettle, that’s for sure. Buck Whettle knows two things: 1) How to get out of eating pussy after you already got your dick sucked and 2) The complicated history of foreign policy and what it means when applied to the political climate of today.”
Wettle isn’t the only one that thinks this was a botched attempt at launching a nuclear weapon at the United States. When asked for comment, famed political-talking guy and word-writer Noam Chomsky said, “Who is this? Oh. No comment.” Leaving many interpreters of Chomsky’s work to suggest that Chomsky does in fact agree with Mr. Whettle but would rather stay out of the whole thing as he fears North Korea may launch a nuclear weapon at his residence.
Whether you believe that North Korea has made a botched attempt at attacking the American heartland or not at least one thing is sure: they have one less missile. I don’t know about you, but we at The Trashcan can sleep a little more soundly at night knowing that.
For more news on North Korea and whether or not they’re capable of killing everyone you love, stay tuned to The Trashcan for updates on the situation.