Nice Guy Finishes Second To Last


Notorious ‘nice guy’ James Anthony finished second to last today, a personal record. “Sorry,” Anthony said after the race. And he owes it all to another competitor being disqualified from the 5K hotdog eating contest for using performance enhancing mustard. “I feel bad for him, you know. He didn’t do anything wrong,” Anthony said. “Except for the mustard.”

It’s a day that will go down in history for nice guys everywhere. “A nice guy won for once. Feels nice. Get it?” Bobby Fudster from Vermont City, Vermont said. “It’s just that if you got it you would have laughed so I wanted to make sure you got it. Are you still there?”

There are no records for nice guys in any Guinness book, and American history makes no mention of nice guys other than to call William Whipple “kind.” But there is a myth about a nice guy finishing third to last carved into an ancient Sumerian tablet found in a clay dumpster. Only time will tell if future historians will viewJames Anthony’s achievements as worthy of being carved into space stone.

“This almost never happens,” Anthony said to no one in particular. “It happened one time when I was playing poker with my friends and went all in on the first hand as a joke. Then Steve went all in too and I beat him! But then I felt bad so I let him take my place and watched from the kitchen. But this beats that. The important thing is we all had fun today. You all like me, right?”

As of reporting, it is unclear if they like him.