Harvard’s Study Research and Analysis Department discovered earlier today that the all subsequent studies ever done on anything, excluding the most recent, were a complete mess and a waste of everybody’s time.
Lead researcher Ted Lanzlo said in a press conference this morning, “While we are not saying that their research wasn’t important or that they are by any means unprofessional in their methods, the conclusions they came to were totally dumb and lame. We know better now, and are therefore better people.”
The scientific community as a whole has embraced Lanzlo’s new findings, at least for now. Many within the field believe that there will one day come a time when these new studies are proven just as ill-advised as the studies that came before it with newer, better studies, but for now they are the most recent studies we have and therefore the most correct.
“Just because a study is later proven wrong does not mean that it was a worthless endeavor, I must remind you,” Lanzlo said later, “Those that are not in the scientific community will find this difficult to understand, as they are very stupid, but studies aren’t all about being correct or even trying to be. Many studies are done for the sole purpose of making other, more skilled scientist go ‘Huh? That doesn’t make any fucking sense!’ and doing the work themselves. I can’t tell you the number of times that I’ve just made up studies to get Craig over at Yale to do all the heavy-lifting for me so that I can throw my name on the end product. That dumb bastard.”
Even with this new study, which Lanzlo says is perhaps the greatest study he has ever or will ever do, there is a good chance that it will be proven complete bullshit within the next few years.
“Studies aren’t always about getting the right answer, you know. Sometimes they’re just about getting people to click through to the ads.”