Nation’s Analysts Predict That They Don’t Know What the Fuck They’re Talking About


In the aftermath of the 2016 election, the Nation’s analysts got together around a large oval table thousands of miles below the earth’s crust to discuss their impending irrelevance.

Many analysts have known for years that this was coming while just as many were blindsided by the news, claiming that the numbers just didn’t add up. Most Americans have always suspected, somewhere deep down where their remaining humanity lived, that people weren’t just a bunch of numbers on a spreadsheet, that they were something much more complicated than that, and even if they weren’t it seemed unlikely that one boring, run of the mill geek could figure out what most humans felt about something. Even if they did believe they could be boiled down to an equation, didn’t the fact that they knew they were being boiled down change the meaning of all of it? If those being observed are aware of their observation, even the most impotent of minds can see the conflicts that would arise, yet somehow our nation’s top analysts seem to have missed it entirely.

“We’ve got kids to feed too, you know,” a top analysts said. He wished to remain anonymous so from here on we will refer to him as N. Silver. “I’ve never had any other job than boiling people down to basic numbers, what am I going to do now? Become a math teacher? Gross.”

Americans feel like they were let down by analysts this election, even going so far to say that it was a big reason why Hillary Clinton lost. Citing that people didn’t turn out to vote because they thought, “We had this thing in the bag,” as local mother of 3.5 said in Ontario, Canada this week. “I know I couldn’t have voted and that American politics don’t really affect my life in a direct way, but I don’t like that man and I don’t think he should be on television. Maybe if Nate Silver hadn’t acted like Trump couldn’t possibly win this thing more people would have come out to vote? I dunno. Why are you even interviewing me about this? Shouldn’t you be in the U.S.? This is weird. Please leave.”

When asked to comment, Nate Silver said, “Didn’t you already talk to me about this? Oh, right, shit, uh… no comment.”