Music Fan Finds Another Reason Not to Like the Red Hot Chili Peppers

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Local music fan Jonathan Byrne expressed a complete lack of surprise or internal conflict today in the wake of a music executive’s allegations that members of the Red Hot Chili Peppers had sexually harassed her during an encounter in the early nineties. According to Julie Farman, two men from the rock outfit made inappropriate sexual advances on her while she was employed by Epic Records more than two decades ago.

“I mean, I hadn’t really thought about it before but yeah, it definitely makes sense,” said Byrne with a shrug, following revelations that two members of the band most famous for appearing in public wearing only socks over their genitals had propositioned Farman in a storage closet during the 1990 encounter. “Before, I just disliked them for their obnoxious variety of middle-of-the-road, white-boy funk-rock, but now I guess there’s this too.”

Farman’s account, which Byrne described as “even worse than that ‘95 album they did with Dave Navarro,” details how the two men from a band whose lyrics once rhymed the words “gorilla” and “cunt-illa” had pressed their bodies against and offered to “make a super sexy sandwich” with the unwilling woman. Farman did not report the incident at the time that it happened, probably assuming that if releasing a song called “Party on Your Pussy” couldn’t slow down the band’s career, nothing could.

“Ugh. Well that does 100% sound like them,” said the disgusted but relatively unfazed music aficionado, going on to state that he found the story only slightly more distressing than an equally plausible scenario in which “Super Sexy Sandwich” was the name of a new Red Hot Chili Peppers single.

“There was that godawful ‘Dani California’ song, then a few years ago they got rid of John Frusciante who, regardless of his personal demons, was easily the most talented member of the band,” said Byrne, recounting the California-based four-piece’s transgressions, of which this case of criminal sexual misconduct is the latest to come to light, “but this is really the icing on the cake.”

Byrne concluded by offering his sympathy to the victim and expressing relief that her experience wasn’t at the hands of a band that he didn’t already hate.