Millennials Murdered My Father

my father medicalBy Teddy Ghough

On Tuesday, my father died of a heart attack caused by millennials not knowing how to use a match. The signs were all there: tingling in his left arm, nausea, and a decrease in the sales of matches. We should have seen it coming, but how can you? You hear about millennials killing everything, but you never think it’s going to happen to you.

Who knows how many murders “The Matchstick Killers” have committed? I thought maybe we could give them a catchy name so people are aware of the issue and I don’t get as many questions. I’m tired of these spurious rumors about what I may or may not did and the so-called “evidence.” The prosecution wants you to believe that I “poisoned” my dad to “get” the “insurance money” but really, your honor, it’s obviously millennials that are to blame. They should know how to use matches by now.

And sure, you do have video footage of someone that looks like me putting what looks like poison into coffee that looks like my father’s, but by the time I got involved the damage was already done. The Matchstick Killers had already poisoned him by not doing exactly what he did as a kid.

Ultimately, I’m as much of a victim as my father is. I mean, I’ve never seen a millennial use a match. Not ever. Except that viral video of that one guy doing match lighting tricks. That was pretty cool. All the other imposter videos were terrible, except for a handful that were pretty good. And one girl did tricks that were way better, but the video hasn’t gone viral yet. There’s just too many videos of millennials trying match lighting tricks. What’s with these kids wasting all these matches? You can’t win.

If you think about it, millennials are probably responsible for a lot of other deaths. Even if you don’t think about it, I bet it’s at least a couple. So why not this one, your honor? Check. Mate.