Man That “Understands” Depression Sick of Kevin’s Bummer Shit


Cincinnati resident and friend of Kevin Anderson, Tim Bluntz, told a mutual acquaintance earlier today that while he understood that depression was a multifaceted affliction that isn’t always as simple or as easily dealt with as television and movies would have you believe, he was sick and tired of Kevin’s “bummer shit.”

“It’s like, I get that stuff can be a bummer sometimes and depression can make it harder, but come on,” Tim told their mutual acquaintance while she continued eating her cornflakes in silence. “Last weekend my car got towed and it cost like practically $300 to get it out and my parents gave me a really hard time about borrowing the money, so I think I know a little something about depression. Probably even better than he does, to be perfectly honest with you.”

When their mutual friend tried to explain to him that depression wasn’t about bad things happening to you, but instead a medical condition that is mostly unaffected by the world around you, Tim scoffed. “Yeah, right. I have a medical condition too. It’s called being a jerk. Does that mean I can just walk around being a jerk all the time? Yeah, I have a jerk disorder, so fuck you!” Bluntz then committed several jerk-like acts, from shoving a small child into a puddle to calling a good friend to hang out then not meeting them at the time and location he gave them to prove his point.

Later that night, after spending most of the afternoon alone being a jerk, Tim called their mutual friend on the phone and reportedly said, “Listen, I have depression way more than Kevin. Oh, boohoo, he stayed in bed and shit himself for a few weeks for no reason at all. Sounds like a vacation to me. You know what I did last week? I finally got around to watching Inside Out and I’m not ashamed to admit I teared up a little. Now that’s depression.”

Tim spend the rest of his evening masturbating while watching an episode of Myth Busters and talking to his father on the phone.