In Salt Lake City, Utah today, 45-year-old Timothy Buttholé took to social media to rail against someone that he believed was being “too sensitive” when, in response to some jackass thing he felt for some reason that he just had to say, Mr. Buttholé was mocked and ridiculed.
“I was just telling it like it is,” he said while tipping his Taco Bell-bought beverage into his face while continuing to smoke out of a hookah with the side of his mouth, “I don’t see why they had to go after me like that. It’s my right to be a jerk just like anybody else. They had no right to be so mean about it.”
A single tear rolled down Buttholé’s cheek as he recounted to us what happened. “I was on the Foodie Subreddit, just trying to have a nice conversation about how to prepare carrots, when I casually mentioned that I worked with this [redacted] guy that always smelled like wet cabbage and loose change after you dig it out from the bottom of an ashtray. Then everybody starts making all these really mean jokes about how I’m racist. Like, what? Just because the only [redacted] I’ve ever known and I can’t stop telling everyone about smelled like butthole doesn’t mean that I’m racist!” Buttholé said, now openly weeping into his palms.
“Why is everyone so goddam sensitive!?”
After Buttholé regained his composure, he added that he wasn’t a racist and that it wasn’t fair that people would just assume that about him because of some comment he made. “I know that they were joking around, but that’s a really mean thing to joke about, you know? You can joke about how hard my abs are or how much sex it seems like I probably have all day long and I wouldn’t care, but that was just a low blow. So what if I think [redacted] people smell like garbage? Why do people have to be so fucking sensitive about it without taking my feelings into consideration? How can you just go and make jokes like that, generalizing my entire character into one thing I said? That’s not fair.”
“That stinks almost as much as [redacted] people.”