Teen Becomes David Bowie Fan Just in Time to Mourn Him


On January 10th, 2016 the world lost a man that was barely even theirs to begin with. He was a man from the stars that sang long, beautiful ballads about a day when he might return to them. While many of us counted every day he spent with us lowly humans a blessing, many millennials, too young to have seen Bowie in the most accessible realization of his God-like self in the ’70s and ’80s, didn’t understand the love.

After hearing word of Mr. Bowie’s passing, Chicago resident and local 14-year-old Alex Collyard was heard saying that while he “never really listened to his music” he still “got why everyone liked him” but didn’t understand why people were always “cumming in their pants over it.” Yet moments later, Mr. Collyard could be seen on a popular social media site claiming that he was “one of the best musicians out there” and “a huge inspiration” for the work he does for children.

When pressed as to what work he does for children, Mr. Collyard replied, “I shoot a video of myself masturbating once a day for these scientists that came to my high school last spring. They apparently use it to show children masturbating techniques that won’t hurt your penis. Though I don’t know why they use me. Mine looks like a derailed train jammed into swamp.”

When pressed as to who these ‘scientists’ were, Alex replied, “They seemed official-looking at first, but lately they cry a lot and are usually drunk. The one time I expressed being uncomfortable they reassured me that everything was on the up and up by sending me pictures of their own penises.”

Many children much like Alex are giving similar sentiments about a man they couldn’t possibly understand. Before Bowie, people didn’t even know that songs could be about space spiders from Mars. Most of us still don’t believe it possible, even witnessing it with our own eyes and ears! Kids these days don’t care, though. They take it all for granted with their spider men and their starred wars permeating the mainstream. You have no idea how hard it was for the weirdos back then, what it was like to be treated like a freak just for being yourself. We needed someone to show them all that being a freak didn’t make you wrong or evil. To speak up for those that couldn’t, or were too afraid. Just because you were different didn’t necessarily mean you were brave. Just Bowie. We needed David Bowie.

But I guess he didn’t need us. At least not anymore.