While World of Warcraft has been around for more than a decade, it is still played daily by millions of people. Many WoW players are trying to get more out of the experience by challenging themselves in ways that the game doesn’t offer, for example; leveling by not killing anything, only playing with their feet or not going to the bathroom for three straight days and not dying. All of these attempts at upping the difficulty pale in comparison, however, to local Chicago resident Alex Collyard’s latest feat; playing the game entirely without hands all while being completely naked from the waste down.
While playing the game without the use of his hands has been done many times before, the lack of pants is what’s really impressive. Not wearing pants while playing WoW is something that even veteran players don’t try often, as anyone that’s ever seen a hot room versus a leather computer chair first hand can attest. Their are many other factors contributing to the difficulty of playing pants-less, from the fact that Alex’ computer is in the living space he shares with his roommates to the distraction of being able to see his own penis at any time, most likely leading to several spontaneous masturbation sessions that will only serve to distract Alex from his goals.
Some precautions were taken before embarking on this journey of self-discovery, however. First he called his girlfriend and told her what he was doing. After several unanswered calls, she finally answered (this time not trying to erroneously claim that he had dialed a wrong number) and she reminded him that they hadn’t been seeing each other for quite some time, if technically ever. This was news to Alex, who had been abstaining from all sexual activity, including with himself.
He knew that she was trying to hurt him but all she really accomplished was to light a fire under his feet. “I thought that she just wanted a winner, you know?” Collyard said, “I get it. Before now the only thing I had going for me was a house, a car, a boat, being really attractive and having a job that paid two-hundred and thirty thousand dollars a year (child assassin (not in the sense that he is a child but in the sense that he murders children for money)). She deserved to be with someone better, you know? I mean, I’m already 22-years-old and I don’t even own a single blimp.” He knew that if he ever wanted to have a fulfilling relationship with someone that loved him for him, he was going to have to be a significantly more impressive human being, and playing a video game without using your hands simply wasn’t going to be enough.
After training for sixteen months in an Appalachian monastery, Alex believes he is finally ready to sit down and do what he set out to do; winning back his ex-girlfriend and future wife along with the hearts and minds of America. Armed with nothing but a button-up blue shirt from the Gap, a bowl full of onion rings, a can of Nos and six 2-liters of Diet Dr. Pepper, ready to conquer just about anything (online).
While it’s certainly not going to be an easy journey from here on out, I’ll personally be rooting for Alex Collyard. It’s going to be a hard, long road but you’re not doing it alone. The gaming community as a whole will lend you their inner strength, their power. Alone we may be weak, feeble, gangling, but together? Together, we are one of the strongest communities on this planet and there is nothing we can’t do when we work as a whole.
Alex Collyard was found dead in his home before the article went live.
He choked on an onion ring.
Services will be held in Crystalsong Forest at around 10-10:02 A.M., depending on lag.