MIAMI, FL– As Floridians begin returning to their homes following the devastation of Hurricane Irma, many home and business owners are finding that the criminal element has taken advantage of the situation by looting several unmanned storefronts and homes.
Looting may be a common occurrence during situations like this, but getting hit by a double dose of misfortune is too much to handle for the already fragile psyche of many. “I don’t know what we’re going to do!” said local resident and victim of looting Receda Falenski. “We were already having enough trouble making ends meet and now we’ve got to buy a new TV, couch, dog and even a toaster!” tears streaming down her eyes, “That toaster has been in my family for 15 months and some nobody off the street just decides it’s theirs and I’m supposed to, what, move on? Get a new toaster? I liked that toaster! I loved that toaster! That toaster never did anything but make the best toast I’ve ever had in my life!”
“Sometimes I wish they’d have looted me instead.”
The looting wasn’t all about toast, however. One local owner of independently run video game store Logan’s Fun tells us a story of hope dashed by the selfishness of the looting community.
Owner Turgid Moneypenney returned home from evacuating in anticipation of the hurricane to see the doors of his shop smashed in and a great deal of his merchandise missing. While he certainly wasn’t glad for the hurricane, the one thing he was hoping for was to not have to worry about moving his stock of Amiibos.
Try as he might, Turgid just couldn’t move the Amiibos and was hoping against hope that the storm would take them off his hands, in one way or another. The products in the store were all insured and he would see the money back, which was the only possibility Turgid saw in coming out of his Amiibo purchase even.
“I don’t get it. They’re cute, well-made and they’re all Mario and shit. Those dumbass Pop Vinyl pieces of shit fly off the shelves like they’re made of gold and I got the cutest little Mega Man you ever did see that wouldn’t move if I strapped wheels onto it and pushed it into traffic.”
Turgid briefly considered getting rid of the figurines and making the claim on his insurance but ultimately decided against it, as he’s already aroused suspicion last year when Hurricane Matthew looters “stole” all of his remaining Rockstar 4 products, which were later found in a dumpster behind a Walmart not six miles from the store.
“I’m not saying it was me what done those Rockstar controllers in, but I figure if I did it again they’d nab me for sure. Uh, not again, I meant for the first time. Please don’t print that I said again. Seriously. I’ve got kids. Kids that couldn’t sell a fucking toy guitar if their lives depended on it.”
“If they’re this bad at selling shit by the time they get to middle school we’re going to have to a have a little talk about what it means to be a part of the family, let me tell you.”
UPDATE: Shortly after this report was filed Turgid’s children were taken into foster care.