Man Asks: “What Can I Continue to Not Do but Tell Other People to Do to Help?”

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In the wake of several thousand people “checking in” to Standing Rock, ND on Facebook in the last day, Cincinnati resident Joe Cumberbotch felt the need to shame people checking in, telling them that what they are doing is “meaningless” while doing nothing himself.

“All these people checking in, they’re just hopping on the bandwagon, man,” Joe said while eating a Subway sandwich alone in his car before going into his office. “I’m not saying I have any better answers or anything, but I know that if I was going to do something, I would actually do something. Not that I’m actually going to do anything.” Joe then crumpled his Subway wrapper, placed it back into the clear plastic bag, threw it out the window of his car and then lit it on fire with his lighter. As he watched the plastic melt around the paper and the smoke rising from the remains, he smiled to himself. “I’m not saying that I’m a good person, far from it, but if I was going to be a good person I wouldn’t half-ass it like that and pat myself on the back, you know?”

While Joe may be just one person, there are many others like him and even more that think like him and keep it to themselves. “I consider myself something of a hero for people that have no interest in helping other people but are tired of feeling bad about it,” Joe said while loudly jingling the change in his pocket while walking through the office, completely unaware or uncaring of the annoyed faces turning in his direction, “There’s nothing wrong with people a bad, selfish person and I’m sick and tired of being treated like we’re less than just because we don’t make these feeble attempts at self-congratulatory heroics. So I try to make the people that do what little they can feel as bad as I possibly can.”

We asked Joe was his future plans for making people that were doing their best feel bad were, and he said he’s going to post an article he saw the title of but didn’t read called, “10 Ways You Can Help the Standing Rock Sioux Fight the Dakota Access Pipeline” with the caption, “WHAT YOU FUCKING POSERS SHOULD BE DOING IF YOU ACTUALLY CARED” before masturbating to videos of teens caught on hidden cameras masturbating in public restrooms and taking a nap in his office.