NEW YORK CITY– Local bartender and avid watcher of adult-centric cartoons, 36-year-old James Addleton, stunned friends and family when an entire hour went by without James once pointing to his own penis and making a crass remark.
Those closest to James said that the incident would not soon be forgotten, one friend going so far as to worry that something might be wrong with James. So much so that she convinced him to take a trip to the emergency room as a precautionary measure, but doctors were unable to find anything wrong.
“Maybe he’s just finally growing up?” Karen Addleton, James’ mother, said of the occurrence. “I thought he’d outgrow this obsession with his penis before he got to High School but… well, let’s just say I had to pick him up from school in the middle of the day one two many times during his swimming class.”
“Other than his unhealthy obsession with his penis, his role-models being unsuccessful cartoon characters and his love of starting fires and forgetting about them, James really is a good boy. Man. Sorry.”
To those close to James that hoped this was the beginning of the end for James’ immaturity would soon have their hopes dashed when James made the news later that very night after somehow getting his penis stuck in the tailpipe of a moving police forensics van. When the police and local news outlets ask how it was even possible to accomplish such a task, James pointed at the cartoon image on his shirt of Homer Simpson sleeping in a hammock with a pile of beer cans next to him and exclaimed, “D’oh!” Several nearby 14-year-olds laughed before taking another breath from a small paper bag, as it appears the teens were hyperventilating.
When we asked James why he supposed he went that entire hour without pointing at his penis, he replied with a fart.
More on this story as it develops.