To Be Completely Honest, I Just Think That Song Sucks


By Colin Kaepernick

I wasn’t trying to make some kind of big statement about America or about anything, really, I’m just not into that song.

If you like the song, fine, all power to you. It’s not like I’m asking them to not play it or anything. It’s just that when it comes on it doesn’t make me want to dance or even bob my head and it especially doesn’t make me want to stand up and take my hat off, I really don’t get why you guys do that. Is that a thing? When you really like a song you stand solemnly and remove your headwear? If that’s your thing then by all means go for it, I’m not here to yuck anybody’s yum, but at the same time you can’t expect me to participate in your weird, hat-hating song without even telling me what the fuck is going on.

So I didn’t stand up for a song. So fucking what? I gotta like every song that talks about America? Do you realize how much standing that would be? People use that thing like it’s a goddam punctuation mark and I just don’t have the time or the energy to be getting up and down all goddam day. I’ve already got to go out there and play this stupid game for children in the interest of entertaining full-grown adults. If that isn’t demoralizing enough, you expect me to pretend to like the dumbass fucking song you love, too? Give me a break.

You want me to stand up during the National Anthem? Do some re-writes. That thing has been around for longer than slavery was abolished, which means most of those lyrics are bullshit to begin with. I’m not saying it has to have good lyrics to be a good song or anything, though. Kanye West has proven that pretty conclusively, but it’s just some acapella bullshit to boot. You want me to stand you better put a sick-ass beat in there or at the very least a guitar solo. Like anyone singing, “land of the free, home of the brave,” is ever going to make my dick hard. That shit is weak, and considering your volatile reaction when someone doesn’t like it, you assholes know it’s weak, so don’t put this on me.

You want people to stand for your National Anthem like it means something? Make it better. Don’t just rest on your laurels for a couple hundred years and throw a shit-fit when someone calls you out for something you’re so defensive about that you have to already know. I’m not even saying you necessarily even have to write a new song! There are plenty of songs that would make better National Anthems that already exist! For example, most of Bruce Springsteen’s discography, and I’ve definitely heard a few songs by Daft Punk that would do a better job. How about Joanna Newsom? I like her. Just none of that Sufjan Stevens bullshit, please. Even a nap doesn’t deserve to be that boring.

I never wanted to be the guy that was known for not liking a song. I wanted to be the guy that was known for kind of being good at sports but not really. I really didn’t think me not standing up this one time was going to be all over the news, I was just tired. Football sucks, it really does. If you’re not the absolute best you might as well not even bother, and I have never been nor will I ever be the absolute best. I’m just a guy that got a scholarship and got stuck with it. Sure, it’s opened a lot of doors for me and I probably wouldn’t have made it as far as I have without it, but I’m never going to be considered one of the greats. I’m just going to be remembered as that guy that didn’t stand up for that song everybody pretends they like.

I never even wanted to play football. That was my mom’s idea. I wanted to be an electrical engineer. Unfortunately, my fear of outlets and phobia about driving large white vans prevented me from excelling in the field, but if I really put my head down and faced my fears I probably could have overcome it.

It’s too late for Colin Kaepernick the electrician, now. Too late for Colin Kaepernick the sports star, too. Now I’m just Colin Kaepernick, the guy that didn’t stand up that one time when they played that stupid song. I guess in life we never really choose who we are. Sure, we have ideas, even have a pretty clear picture of what we want to be, sometimes, but that’s not who we are. We are a combination of the random-ass shit life throws at you and our reactions to said random-ass shit when the cameras happen to be on us.

The United States of America is my home. It’s a part of who I am. Always has been, always will be, but that shitty-ass song has got to fucking go.

  • “The Eastern Diamondback”

    No biggie. Ever need protection,medical care, help with a fire you call a Holly-weird libtard! They can ACT like a COP,Armed forces personnel and a doctor or fireman. That will help you just fine.

    • Justin Colucci

      It’s a song, not the police and fire departments.

      • “The Eastern Diamondback”

        Great! When an unpatriotic person or cop hater needs one of them they can sing it!