By “Super” Mario
This whole princess saving gig started when I had a little free time in-between jobs.
My brother Luigi and I had just quit our corporate plumbing jobs and figured we’re go into the business for ourselves. We had the skills, the willpower and those little metal sticks you shove down the pipes. What more to plumbing was there? The only problem was getting customers. Back in the early ’80s nobody knew who the Super Mario Brothers (a name that Luigi never particularly cared for) were and those that did sure as hell didn’t want to hire two illegal Italian immigrants from the Mushroom Kingdom. Work was light and we were really pounding our heads against the wall trying to figure out what we could do to get a little publicity to our brand. That’s when I read about the kidnapping of Princess Toadstool.
I figured that if we could save her, our names and company would get plastered all over the news and we’d start pulling down some serious business. Luigi wasn’t too into the idea but I dragged him along but he was so mad he refused to hang out on the same screen as me so we took turns trying to save her, which probably wasn’t the best way to go about it but you know how sibling rivalries can be. Finally, after throwing that jackass turtle-dragon-dinosaur jerkwad Bowser into lava about 9 times, we saved the Princess and, as I’d predicted, were all over the news. It was a win for the Super Mario Bros. any way you sliced it.
We were raking in jobs faster than we could finish them. A lot faster. Embarrassingly faster, to be honest with you. This isn’t something I’m proud to admit, but Luigi was really doing most of the work, business-side. I got way too into the celebrity of it all. Everyone wanted a piece of The Super Mario Bros. back then and I was more than willing to give it to ’em. Luigi was more of an introvert, the kind of guy that likes to keep his nose down and do the work. He was stupid like that. Me? I always wanted to be somebody. So that’s why, again and again, when Princess Toadstool (who later changed her name to Princess Peach for obvious reasons) continued to get kidnapped again and again I was always right there to save her. Which kind of seems like bullshit if you think about it.
Why would I be tasked with the responsibility of saving her? I’m just a plumber trying to get by! Doesn’t she have guards and soldiers for this shit? Doesn’t she have a damn army? Sometimes I think she wanted to get caught, like she got off on it somehow. It’s not like she couldn’t have avoided it, the dude does basically the same thing every time and she never sees it coming? Not only that, but she’s a sharp gal. I find it pretty difficult to believe that she couldn’t have gotten herself out of most of those jams using only a third of her brainpower at most. I’m not trying to victim blame here, but what does it take to put up a gate?
Not only that, but Bowser never seemed like that bad a dude to me. Other than the terrorism and kidnapping stuff, he’s downright pleasant. Yes, from time to time he attempts to destroy entire kingdoms, caring little or nothing about the lives of those he’s raining hellfire down on, but did you know he’s an avid golfer? Not to mention how hard he tears it up on the go-kart track. Heck, I’ve played tennis with the guy! Peach was there, too! Why would you invite a guy that’s always trying to slaughter your citizens and burn your villages to the ground to a party? That’s some pretty messed up behavior and I’ve gotta say it here and now; I think it’s all pretty fucked-up. I’m certainly not the kind of guy that’s ever going to say that someone was “asking for it” but when I see you golfing with the guy that locked you up in a cage for half of last month, it makes a fella wonder if he’s being taken for a ride.
If that’s what you two do to get your motors running, that’s all well and good, but you’ve made me a part of it and that’s just not cool. I’m not a part of your foreplay, I have a job I should be doing. Luigi’s been keeping he business afloat for the last thirty years and what have I been doing? Pretending to save a Princess again and again just so her and a dinosaur-turtle-dragon can get their rocks off? I’m a plumber, not a hero, and especially not a sex hero. I don’t even know if they have sex heroes, I guess they have everything these days and you’re a bigot for not knowing what every new thing is called, but dang it I’m just an old plumber-turned-hero that has had enough of wasting the best years of his life trying to help a dinosaur get a boner.
I can see the faces people give me start to change. At first they all gave me the hero treatment, “Oh, how brave!” “Oh, Mario, you’re so selfish!” “How many castles are there anyway?” but now? Now they barely even look me in the eye. Just a, “Oh, hey Mario,” like I’m showing up to a shift at Walmart. It isn’t Walmart, though, it’s the Mushroom fucking Kingdom during wartime and I want the goddamn respect that I think I’ve earned! I may make it look easy, but jumping on smiling turtles and kicking their asses down the line to murder all of the other smiling turtles is tough work. It takes precision. I… I just don’t think I can do it anymore.
When I thought I was saving a kingdom it was one thing, but it’s become abundantly clear to me that something is wrong here. I mean, we all played baseball together the other week! Who am I kidding here?
I’m no hero. Never was, never will be. I’m just a plumber. Hired to get a dinosaur hard enough to fuck a rich lady.